Sunday, May 27

{Broken}


It's been a hard month.

I don't even know if I'm sure how to begin this conversation,
but I have to open up my heart.

I need to release the tidal wave of emotion that is threatening to drown me.

I'm not very good at sharing this part of me.

I'm not good at dealing with pain.

I'm broken.

I'm so very broken.

Some of it is my fault…

I take full responsibility for the choices I've made 
that have brought with it the consequence of pain.  

But this is not the brokenness I'm speaking of today.

I'm talking about the brokenness that is a result of someone else's choice.

A choice to rob me of my innocence as a child.

A choice to violate the depths of my soul.

It is a wound that continually bleeds.

It is a pain that knows no limit.

As I sit here today, writing this, 
I am discouraged in my soul.

For as long as I can remember I've tried to control the pain,
to stop the bleeding,
but I have finally realized I cannot do it.

I've self-medicated, and I've run.

I've buried it and I've hid.

I've screamed, I've cried and I've rebelled.

Most of the time I smile through it, refusing to expose it.

And now, I've reached the end of my own efforts.

I am perplexed.

The one thing I haven't tried is to 
just be still 
and allow myself to actually 
feel the pain.

Allow myself to actually feel
 the emotions that are trapped
 in my mind and body's memories 
of what I've endured.

But today I'm doing that.

Today I'm just feeling what I feel.
Today I'm being authentic about how deep the wound is.
Today I'm trusting God that this is the way to freedom.

I may be broken,
but my faith is intact.

I may be broken,
but I am being restored.

I may be broken,
but God will not leave me here.

9 comments:

  1. Love you!! Thanks for sharing your heart lady!

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  2. Karen PriceMay 28, 2012

    WOW! I didn't expect that when I clicked on the link in Google reader, but I am so glad I did. So wonderfully written; from the heart. Love and prayers with you.

    karen.

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  3. Heres a big virtual hug. Wish I could do or say more. Love ya girl!

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  4. Courtney, 
    I just wanted to let you know that prayers are said! I am lifting you up right now! 
    You are right...He will not leave you there. 
    Lean into Jesus and find rest. 
    Xxo 

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  5. Courtney, I may not 'really' know you, but what I do know is that you are a kind, strong and very independant woman. I know you can overcome your pain and begin to heal. Everyone always says that the first step is admitting it. So here you have it...your confession...now it's time to heal :)

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  6. You are amazing. And strong. And wonderful. 
    You are not alone. <3

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear that you went through something so difficult. I can't imagine having the courage to push past it and more importantly, to share it. Kudos to you. I hope you find peace in your beautiful family. Happy Memorial Day! xo

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  8. Verna_PregnonJune 01, 2012

    Thank you for sharing it helped me with something I I have been struggling with. Thanks for being open it could not have been easy.

    Keep up the good work
    Verna

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  9. I'm so glad Verna. Thank you for taking the time to read, comment and visit. Hope you are well!

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Thank you so much for your lovely comments! I don't always have time to respond to each one, but I do read them! XO