Friday, May 18

{Coffee Date}


I've been meaning to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee for some time now.

If we were to share a cup of coffee today, I'd tell you that my heart is filled with a mixed bag of emotions…that I need to just purge for a little while if you don't mind.

I'd start our conversation by focusing on all the lovely things that have brought joy to my heart in the past few days.


I'd tell you...

How Zion's 2nd Birthday was beautiful, filled with close family and friends.

How I slaved away to make her a six layer rainbow cake with homemade buttercream frosting…mostly to prove to myself that I was capable.

How she lit up the room with her excited response to everyone singing Happy Birthday to her.


I'd share...

How great it felt to treat my in-laws to a fancy steak dinner at one of the best steakhouses in New York City (for Mother's Day)…a gift that Jerry and I have been dreaming of giving for a few years.

How Jerry received a bonus that was much higher than we expected, and how we've paid off our highest interest/high balance credit card in full!

I'd probably gloat a little about the fact that today we ordered my iPhone 4S in white, of course, and how I can't wait to destroy my current "smartphone" by smashing it to pieces.  Yes, I'm really going to do that.

And then of course the conversation would probably move toward some of the minor struggles I've had over the last couple of weeks….


I'd share that…

It is hard to admit to myself that my daughter (my sweet little baby) is now 2.  And I secretly hate the fact that we took away her pacifiers the other night, even though she is doing fine without them.

I felt awful that she ended up getting her blood drawn on her birthday and how they couldn't get her vein to stop rolling so she had to get poked in both arms.  I wanted to punch the nurse, and cry too, but of course had to be strong and reassuring while she looked at me with those big tear-filled brown eyes.

I would tell you how I haven't quite got back into the swing of things with my blog or other projects, and that I am allowing myself to be okay with that for now.  Time away is good for regrouping and refocusing, always.

If we were to have coffee today, this is probably the point where I'd grow a little quiet and seem a bit distant, as I stripped away the layers and moved closer to the deeper things going on in my heart.


I would probably get a little choked up as I told you…

How the last two weeks I was convinced that I was pregnant again.

That I had all of the normal symptoms I had with Zion…that I couldn't wait to test myself yesterday, only to find that I was not pregnant, and then shortly thereafter have confirmation of that.

Then I would tell you how I'm afraid that I won't get pregnant again easily…how I'm worried about running out of time.  How my dream of having a big family seems like it may not come true after all.

I'd probably finish by saying, I still trust God, and know that He has perfect timing…and that I will still rest in that and believe and hope despite how I currently feel.


I'd then tell you how terrified I am about what God is currently doing in my life…all of it good…but incredibly scary for me.

I would tell you…

How I got asked to speak at a conference and said yes, even though every part of me wanted to say no, because I knew it was God's will.

I would tell you that I am more nervous about delivering the right message than I am about the actual public speaking, even though that part terrifies me a little bit too.

I would tell you that I know I will never be the same after sharing this part of my story…because once it is out there…well…there is no turning back…no more secrets.  I'd also tell you that I know this is part of God's plan to bring greater healing and wholeness to my life, yes, but also to the lives of others.


I'd finish probably by apologizing for talking the whole time and not letting you get much of a word in, and I'd thank you for being there for me, for praying with me, for encouraging me, for being a part of my life.

Lastly, I'd ask you to come and share a cup of coffee with me again…sooner than later…and promise to listen more than talk this next time around.




Linking up with Alissa & Dana.

17 comments:

  1. Your beautiful Courtney and I think that you will do everything right and honest when it comes to speaking at a conference. You will rock it and let me tell you, I wish that we could have coffee weekly to chat like this :)  I'm always a good listener...!!!Enjoy your weekend and time with your family, cause that is what matters the most :)

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  2. I'm enjoying a cup of coffee right now while reading your post. You are very blessed with a beautiful family, a sweet little girl that is going to grow into a beautiful young woman like her mama, having the honor of delivering a message at a conference which I have NO doubt you will touch a lot of people and should God plant another bean in your belly it would be a truly wonderful blessing. Trust in God that He will not fail you and the hardest part is following HIS plan on HIS time but I have Faith that you have many great things to look forward, love. Thanks for the coffee date!

    xo,
    Allison
    http://barretts1234.blogspot.com/

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  3. First of all, these photos are just stunning Courtney! I especially love the 4th one. And, I'm sorry to hear that you are hoping to be pregnant and that it didn't work out this time. When the time is right, it will happen! Just ask me...baby #3 came as such a surprise but we've since realized she was sent here to teach us all a lesson. Best of luck with the speaking engagement! 

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  4. So much going on for you right now! I'm glad you are allowing yourself breathing room and a little slack! Hugs to ya, sugar pie! You look beautiful! :)

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  5. I came across you blog via someone else, somehow (funny how God does that) and this is the first post of yours that I am reading. Please hear me when I softly say, "Thank you." ... for sharing, for being transparent, for listening {to God}, for being strong and courageous {even when you feel anything but!}. Thank you for sharing His light and reminding me {and yourself} that I am not the only one... Anytime you are in need of a coffee date mate- remember Jesus is there beside you, eargerly awaiting to hear every word you heart has to utter. Be blessed and be a blessing. =} 

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  6. Kenya JohnsonMay 18, 2012

    I'm going to take the totally irrelevant piece of this and tell you to take all your fears and frustrations out on the old smartphone. Find a nice concrete wall and smash it to bits!!! On that note, "I'm excited for you." 

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  7. Thanks for pouring your heart out like that.  I felt both happy and sad for you as I read your post.  Yes, God is in control.  Remember what the Desiderata says... "whether or not it is clear to us, the universe is unfolding as it should"

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  8. We all need a time and place to talk about whatever is on our mind.  But as women, we think it is selfish as it would be all about us.  And it is okay to talk. 

    I'll listen as long as it is hot chocolate.  I don't like coffee.

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  9. Can I just say how stunning and beautiful you are? I love your makeup, your outfit, and your red beaded bracelet! :)

    As they say, everything happens for a reason. And everything that you're hoping for will come, in God's given time. Stay happy! :)

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  10. Courtney you are beautiful inside and out. I loved the series of pictures of yourself and how each one spoke perfectly to what you wanted to say. You'll be pregnant soon enough,  I'm so sure of it! It's scary to take the plunge in life sometimes but your family is thriving and you are so blessed :)

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  11. My_Bizarre_FamilyMay 19, 2012

    This post really touched me...more than any has in a long time. Sometimes God's timing is not ours...and that can be very frustrating. But rest in His promises and hold tightly to Him. God bless you and your family!

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  12. What a beautiful post.  If we were having coffee, I'd be more than happy to have sat and listened to you speak without interrupting you and it wouldn't bother me one bit if I didn't get a word in.  Sometimes you just need to talk and I'd have been happy to be there for you, listening to you!

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  13. Rebecca RouseMay 20, 2012

    I would love to share a cup of coffee w/ you - I hate we were never able to do that before. Thank you for sharing and being so honest and open. Though I've not been in your situation, or had the same struggles, there is encouragement for me in reading this today! I would love to give you a big hug when we meet for coffee if thats ok - I'm a huger : ) PS - great pics, You look beautiful.

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  14. Laurel LongMay 20, 2012

    I wish I could give you just the biggest hug ever in person!!! In lieu of that I am sending a hug across the internet miles in hopes it will help in some small way!! This is such a sweet post and I can only hope to actually have coffee with you one day in person! Until then! Chin up and continue to trust in God (though I know that is not easy!!!) Best wishes and many blessings! 

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  15. April PiconMay 21, 2012

    Funny... I just read this while actually drinking a cup of coffee... you are such a blessing Courtney! Know that as God does some amazing healing and shaping in your life, it is in turn blessing others! THANK YOU so much. 

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  16. Wow, I love you, lady! I know you'll get pregnant again. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Keep on keepin' on, mama.

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Thank you so much for your lovely comments! I don't always have time to respond to each one, but I do read them! XO