I've been meaning to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee for some time now.
If we were to share a cup of coffee today, I'd tell you that my heart is filled with a mixed bag of emotions…that I need to just purge for a little while if you don't mind.
I'd start our conversation by focusing on all the lovely things that have brought joy to my heart in the past few days.
I'd tell you...
How Zion's 2nd Birthday was beautiful, filled with close family and friends.
How I slaved away to make her a six layer rainbow cake with homemade buttercream frosting…mostly to prove to myself that I was capable.
How she lit up the room with her excited response to everyone singing Happy Birthday to her.
How great it felt to treat my in-laws to a fancy steak dinner at one of the best steakhouses in New York City (for Mother's Day)…a gift that Jerry and I have been dreaming of giving for a few years.
How Jerry received a bonus that was much higher than we expected, and how we've paid off our highest interest/high balance credit card in full!
I'd probably gloat a little about the fact that today we ordered my iPhone 4S in white, of course, and how I can't wait to destroy my current "smartphone" by smashing it to pieces. Yes, I'm really going to do that.
And then of course the conversation would probably move toward some of the minor struggles I've had over the last couple of weeks….
I'd share that…
It is hard to admit to myself that my daughter (my sweet little baby) is now 2. And I secretly hate the fact that we took away her pacifiers the other night, even though she is doing fine without them.
I felt awful that she ended up getting her blood drawn on her birthday and how they couldn't get her vein to stop rolling so she had to get poked in both arms. I wanted to punch the nurse, and cry too, but of course had to be strong and reassuring while she looked at me with those big tear-filled brown eyes.
I would tell you how I haven't quite got back into the swing of things with my blog or other projects, and that I am allowing myself to be okay with that for now. Time away is good for regrouping and refocusing, always.
If we were to have coffee today, this is probably the point where I'd grow a little quiet and seem a bit distant, as I stripped away the layers and moved closer to the deeper things going on in my heart.
I would probably get a little choked up as I told you…
How the last two weeks I was convinced that I was pregnant again.
That I had all of the normal symptoms I had with Zion…that I couldn't wait to test myself yesterday, only to find that I was not pregnant, and then shortly thereafter have confirmation of that.
Then I would tell you how I'm afraid that I won't get pregnant again easily…how I'm worried about running out of time. How my dream of having a big family seems like it may not come true after all.
I'd probably finish by saying, I still trust God, and know that He has perfect timing…and that I will still rest in that and believe and hope despite how I currently feel.
I'd then tell you how terrified I am about what God is currently doing in my life…all of it good…but incredibly scary for me.
I would tell you…
How I got asked to speak at a conference and said yes, even though every part of me wanted to say no, because I knew it was God's will.
I would tell you that I am more nervous about delivering the right message than I am about the actual public speaking, even though that part terrifies me a little bit too.
I would tell you that I know I will never be the same after sharing this part of my story…because once it is out there…well…there is no turning back…no more secrets. I'd also tell you that I know this is part of God's plan to bring greater healing and wholeness to my life, yes, but also to the lives of others.
I'd finish probably by apologizing for talking the whole time and not letting you get much of a word in, and I'd thank you for being there for me, for praying with me, for encouraging me, for being a part of my life.
Lastly, I'd ask you to come and share a cup of coffee with me again…sooner than later…and promise to listen more than talk this next time around.
Linking up with Alissa & Dana.