Tuesday, October 9

A Heart Gone Wandering...


This past month has been challenging - and whereas the past several months have been no piece of cake, each new month seems to stack up the challenges upon each other leaving me stretched thin and weary.

I have been open about my faith as a Christian here on my blog, but I haven't been open about the challenges of keeping that faith.  In the past year of my life, everything that I have so passionately believed in has been questioned and put under the greatest battle of soul and spirit that I can describe.

My relationship with God has been at times marred by anger and resentment, at other times pushed so far away that only a God who is omnipresent and fiercely willing could break through the icy walls I've  built up.  In my spirit - I believe with everything - in the God of all creation - in his perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for the redemption of all humanity.  But in my soul I experience violent opposition to trusting Him with my life.

I'm about to get very real with you - so brace yourself - I recently had a major life breakthrough - one that was critical - one that was orchestrated beautifully by the hand of God.  I woke up from a denial about things I experienced as a child at the hands of the two human beings entrusted with my care.

For over 20 years of my life I coped with life by creating a fantasy in my mind - a disillusioned perspective on the world - one that minimized pain, fear, anxiety and reality.  One that minimized real evil in the world.  You see, real evil didn't exist in my reality - it couldn't.  And so it was easy to see God in his perfect goodness and not question or doubt Him.

Its not that I didn't believe in evil - but I believed in it the same way as I believe in monsters in scary movies.  It freaks me out, I push it to the side believing it couldn't possibly be like that in real life.

But, now I know that real evil exists.  Because I was the recipient of real evil.  And that evil has had its mangy filthy claws in my flesh for the past two and a half decades.  And it is that evil that I am battling daily - that I am fighting for dear life to escape from.

My daily battle is one of learning to live in reality - no longer minimizing the hurtful things I have experienced, no longer protecting the people who were supposed to have loved me.  Instead I am allowing the unprocessed pain to wash over me, tidal wave by tidal wave.

Hoping that as I surrender to reality, I will find the continued strength to choose to believe rather than doubt in God's love for me.

Hoping I can believe in the goodness of God as much as I now believe in real evil in this world.

Hoping that one day this storm will pass and I will again be able to see the sun shining above me.

Hoping that one day there will be no more buried pain - just the freedom of being healed by God's great love, so that I can encourage those who have been or will be just waking up from their own fantasy.

This blog has always been a place for me to share my life - and to write from my heart - I haven't been able to do that lately as much as I'd like to, but hopefully you will understand how heavy my heart has been, and know I am still here and still care for each and every one of you!


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17 comments:

  1. I am here for you, Courtney... in whatever fashion. No detailed needed. Just here as a friend.

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  2. Corrina PollockOctober 09, 2012

    It's a hard thing to deal with, as I know to well, and avoidance can only be done for so long before you begin to push yourself away from everyone who means everything to you. I am sending you my prayers and best wishes in hopes that you will break through to the light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong, as you always have been (whether you like to think so or not).

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  3. Thanks you for sharing that and for trusting us enough to be vulnerable. Praise the Lord that he is our healer! Praying for you!

    Lindsey
    Thrift and Shout

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  4. Thanks for sharing what you did! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and I'm always here for you :)

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  5. Oh, Courtney, your are in my prayers. I have not had the same experiences as you but my faith has been shaken to the core in the last years by things that have happened to me. I do know that we need to allow ourselves to feel and not just pretend all is well. I truly believe that if we do not feel the lows, we are not able to feel the highs of our spiritual walk or grow. Reading the Psalms through my struggles has helped me a lot. Trusting God with the direction of my life has also been hard. I do not have answers for you but just count on His love and trust what you believe.

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  6. Great post, I can't wait to read more!

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  7. Thank you for reading and praying! <3

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  8. Thank you lady! <3 Hope you are well!

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  9. thanks for sharing its great to see a genuine post. (not that others aren't)

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  10. Lish @ ImprintalishOctober 11, 2012

    I am not an overly religious person, but i do believe that there is someone out there watching out for us, helping us make the right decisions, guiding us...maybe God, maybe someone that has passed on. Whoever it is, and in whatever way, I know that you will find the answers you need. As you've already shown with this post, you are a strong woman, and sometimes facing the evil brings us to the right place to begin to heal. Big hugs to you!

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  11. angela kingOctober 13, 2012

    this is so sad and so beautifully written. i'm assuming that this post has something to do with the email convo we had a few days ago. i'm happy for you that you are getting something down in writing. i'm here if you need anything at all. big hugs.

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  12. It does Angela! Thanks for reading. I've decided to be courageous and I'm going to go ahead and break the silence on my main blog. I believe that this is what God wants me to do. :)

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Thank you so much for your lovely comments! I don't always have time to respond to each one, but I do read them! XO