It has been a while since I just wrote from my heart on this blog. Perhaps too long, but I've got a million good reasons why. Right now, I'm feeling upset and overwhelmed - and so I'm here to unload a bit, but - you should know - this is more for me than it is for you.
Life in general can be such a daily challenge. I mean, seriously, you would think - given the fact that I am doing what I always wanted/dreamed of doing - that I would be able to find daily joy and contentment. That somehow exuberant energy would rise from within me and push me through my days tasks.
But it doesn't work like that. And its outright disappointing. I have so much to be grateful for - I really do. I have a loving husband - who is hard working - dedicated - and wants to spend time with me. I have a beautiful daughter who is practically attached to my hip everywhere I go. And then I have a God who loves me unconditionally - in all my brokenness. And I am grateful.
Yet, I find myself thoroughly exhausted...overwhelmed...beat up in this life. I find myself wanting to constantly escape into a mind-numbing social media black hole or a few minutes-turned hours of fidgeting with my iPhone. If I'm being completely honest - I find myself wanting and desiring to be completely selfish with my time and energy.
Circumstances do play into this - but it isn't the heart of the matter. Sure, my husband has been away on business plus studying for his CPA for what seems like an eternity. Yes, my daughter has been miserably sick and waking me up all hours of the night. Of course I'm still battling the long-term effects of post-traumatic shock - and dealing with all kinds of disturbing phenomena from that. Even so, the truth is, my heart is full of rebellion.
My heart rebels against surrendering to the rest God has invited me into - I still try to do everything on my own terms - my own way. My heart rebels against the safety and authority of my husband - still afraid to trust any man with my livelihood. My heart even rebels against the constant demands of the little girl who made me a mother.
I feel sometimes like it is all too much to bear. How can I be so selfish to desire an escape? My heart is burning with that question right now. I feel trapped in an endless cycle - pain, exhaustion, and constantly being drained to empty - and then yelling and exploding, often at the people who I love more than anything in this world. The endless yelling turns to endless guilt for my seeming inability to control my tone and volume - let alone my self.
At night the record plays on a loop: "what a horrible mother you've become...what a failure as a wife...will you ever get it right?...how dare you desire time for yourself...you are just like your mother...it is too late for you..."
Here at the end of my patience...I cry out for God to give me strength in my weakness - to somehow recharge me supernaturally. Sleep hides from me, solace flees at my sight, but please, oh Lord, don't also run and hide.
I know some of you might think I am being too hard on myself. Maybe to a degree I am. Maybe I shouldn't expect so much of myself during this stressful time in our lives. I mean, I have 3 days to pack for a 4 month trip to Alaska - and even though my husband will be home, he will be completely unavailable due to his test being on Monday...and my daughter is still sick. But I do...I expect to be a better mom, a better wife...a better Christian. But I am not. I am a broken woman. Desperate, tired and overwhelmed.
And though I seem to have fallen into a pit, there is one thing that still remains. A little mustard seed of faith that keeps me holding on, gripping desperately for the Lord, to be my "ever-present help in my time of trouble." (Psalm 46:1)