I don't know how military wives do it. I don't know how single mothers do it. I don't know how widows do it. This last week has me reflecting on what it is like to be apart from the husband for more than a day or two. Jerry just got home from a week away in Atlanta! He started a new job in the beginning of the year that may send him on other out-of-town engagements in the future. I've never really been away from him for more than a handful of days at a time in the last 4+ years we've been together.
So the question is: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?
A few things surprised me about this one week business trip to Atlanta:
1. I cried, almost sobbed, in the minutes leading up to his departure from our home to the airport. I am not a very overly emotional person, so I was completely blindsided by my feelings. I believe it was 75% the realization that him being gone meant very little day-to-day companionship, and no warm body laying next to me at night {plus} 25% fear and panic about being all by myself for a week with our daughter, and the idea that you just never know, something could happen. Then I gave myself permission to be sad, this is my husband. And yes, it was only a week, but we are much closer than I realize, perhaps I've taken that for granted.
2. I anticipated and planned for a "bad week" of parenting. I just couldn't imagine making it through the week all by myself, without severe battles that usually resulted in me raising my voice, more than I'd like to admit. But, I was surprised, again. I was able to have fantastic days with Zion, keep up with the housework, keep up with the blog, have a few visits with friends and even workout. It is amazing that God used this week to encourage me as a mother, by showing me how capable I am of rising to the challenge of a situation, especially when I don't have a choice in the matter. I was able to see for the first time, how I let some really ridiculous things bother me when Jerry is home, and how he really pulls his weight when it comes to helping out and his share of parenting.
3. I can still be distrusting and fearful. Technology is pretty fantastic, allowing Jerry and I to Skype almost every morning and sometimes in the evenings too. That being said, the only evening I didn't hear from Jerry after work, I was fine, until the morning, when I didn't hear from him again…at first. Thank you reality and modern culture for making it so easy to distrust an honest man on a business trip!! I was getting worked up when I couldn't seem to get in touch with him, thinking that he was purposefully avoiding me, or that something had happened (cheating, partying, etc.) This completely caught me off guard, because I trust my husband. He is the most loyal person I have ever met…and it was disturbing to have such thoughts. Thankfully, at the last minute he called before his training and we Skyped. I felt so silly for even allowing the thoughts to linger for a minute.
As I sit here, writing this post (Friday evening), I am eagerly anticipating Jerry's arrival home. I feel like Santa is coming. I mean I'm totally excited. It has been a rough day but nothing can shake the joy of knowing he will be home soon.
The answer is:Yes, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.
And this is what I learned from Jerry's absence:
1. It is easy to take your spouse for granted. One of the quickest ways to discover whether or not you are taking your spouse for granted is to be separated from them for an extended length of time. Knowing this now, I feel a great debt of gratitude toward my husband for all that he does while still working his tail off to provide for us. I need to keep my focus on being grateful each day for everything he does, both big and small to make life wonderful for us.
2. Love is so much more than a feeling. I already knew this, but I really feel I had a fresh revelation while Jerry was away. In marriage there are definitely different seasons, some where you can feel giddy and full of that mushy kind of love, while others can seem more practical and less emotional, almost like a partnership. Because I know that love is a choice to commit yourself to another person completely, I need to remember that this equals a lot of grace and acceptance of where that person is at, where I am at, and what is going on in our lives at that time. I need to be more flexible with my love. And I need to remember how strong our love really is.
3. God only gives us as much as we can handle. I had no idea how much guilt I was carrying around, not to mention the lack of faith in my abilities (or really, God's ability in me) to succeed this week. I experienced fear as Jerry left, fear of being a "single" mom and fear of infidelity, and none of these fears were based on reality. God was there for me through the friends who visited, the peace of prayer with my little lady each night, and in the warm "I miss you" messages that came from Jerry throughout the week. I need to remember the one who really holds my life, my child and my marriage together: it isn't me.
What is the longest you've been away from your spouse? How did you deal with it? Does this resonate with you?
Today my birth Mama celebrates another birthday. On behalf of her special day, I've written a little note with a blessing/prayer.
Dear Mama, On this day {51 years ago!} you were given the breath of life. God himself chose you to come into this world. There was no guarantee that life would be easy, and if anything it has been severely difficult for you. It's not too late to embrace Him, to accept His love in your heart, to be transformed by His great mercy. Nothing you have done or have been through is great enough to separate you from His love. He stands waiting to wrap His loving arms around you, washing you in the cleansing waters of His tears. Tears that He has cried for every hurt that you have endured. His love never fails. This I know to be true.
Today, I pray for you a blessing of unshakable peace…no matter what you are facing today. Today, I pray for you a blessing of courage to boldly take the next step in front of you without wasting another moment looking back.Today, I pray for you a blessing of health, and many more years to come.Today, I pray you will find your way to the God who loves you, and receive Him fully.Today, I pray that we would talk more than once a year.
Love,Courtney
My in-laws {who I love dearly!} came for a visit over New Year's weekend. They live in Ohio, close enough for a day's drive. It is always a special time when they come, but this trip was by far one of the best yet. Zion was so warm and accepting of them into our home…she played for hours with Grandma, teased Grandpa for sleeping alot…it was a weekend I will cherish for years to come.
Pizza is definitely a favorite food in our family, especially homemade pizza. As I watched Zion participate with such joy, it made me realize just how quickly she has grown.
My mother-in-law had always wanted to go to Times Square on New Year's eve, something us locals cringe at the thought of. But, to cross it off the bucket list, Jerry went with her and they stayed long enough to see the ball being lit-up, then hurried home to spend the time counting down with us.
New Year's day we headed out to Riverside Park to take a few pictures, hoping to get some print-worthy ones of Zion with her grandparents. Unfortunately, I have a lot to learn still, so though I felt my ideas were good, I need to work on the technical aspects. It was still a good trip, and I do have some nice pictures to show from it.
After we were done at the park, we headed to a little brunch spot while Zion napped. Then to cross off another bucket-list item for my mother-in-law we took a horse-drawn-carriage ride through Central park. Sadly, they have a 3 adult limit with 1 child, so we couldn't all go. Zion loved every second of it, and you can tell that my mother-in-law did as well!
How was your week?
