Unscripted: A Rough Start

Where does one start on the journey of unpacking their life's story {so far}?  I am starting this series for two reasons: first is to be true to myself, and second is to be true to those who care to know the truth.  It is not really a place to complain or be negative, it is more a place to unload some of the luggage I have picked up on my journey so far, and hopefully a place to set it down and walk away from it.  

Just like when I have something that is troubling my mind, sometimes it helps to give pain a voice in order to truly release it.  Not everything in my life is painful, I am truly blessed in so many ways; I will share that as well.  So are you ready to learn the real story of my life?

A Rough Start

I can't imagine the thoughts that were going through my mother's mind as she discovered she was pregnant with me.  I think about what was on my mind at 20, and it definitely was not children or marriage.  Having been married a short amount of time, to a man she was likely more pressured to marry than actually wanted to, I can only imagine the fear and the turmoil of her innermost thoughts.  

From what I know of my mother's details of her pregnancy with me, I feel lucky to have not been aborted.  I remember her telling me that she got pregnant "on birth control."  While that may have been true, that disclosure has created a level of brokenness in my heart that only now, as a mother myself, I have begun to recognize.  

I was not wanted.

  I do not believe she loved my father, and I do not believe he loved her either.  That may seem freakishly harsh or hard to stomach, but society in general was still largely supportive of marrying people because procreation had happened, whether accidentally or on purpose.  What a healthy way to start a lifelong commitment!  

Despite knowing that I was an accident, and not of the joyfully received "oh well" kind, I was brought into this world, via c-section, on a warm summer morning, September 1st 1981.  I was handed off to two adults who were ill-prepared to take care of me; too young, too naive and too selfish to be given the divine privilege of raising a child.

I was their second-born.

I have no memories of my parents being together, just a few old photographs lost in the fray.  Shortly after my little sister was born, things went in their marriage went from ugly to worse.  Their divorce came swiftly and the back-and-forth between both homes began.  I believe my parents were divorced by the time I was 2.  My mom became a single parent to three young daughters by age 22.  

  I cannot judge her decisions or properly weigh them in my mind, everything I feel toward my childhood is locked within a child's perspective.  It makes processing what I've been through difficult and sometimes seemingly impossible.  I was brought into this world under the weight of darkness and struggle, and maybe I was loved to some degree by those who conceived me.

But, I've learned a thing or two about love.

Love is a willful choice.   Love is a commitment.  Love is not an emotional response based on favorable circumstances.  What I've learned about love, I've learned from my deepest love: God.  And, I'm still learning.  Despite coming into the world an accident, burdened by the heavy pain in my mother's heart, I know without a doubt I was meant to be here.  I know that my mother chose life, and despite what her deepest fears were, she still carried me and delivered me.  

I am grateful to have been born, though from time to time in my life I have wished otherwise.  I am not sure I will ever fully understand my beginning in life.  I may never know in my heart whether I was truly loved by my biological parents the way Jerry and I love our daughter.  

Yet, I choose to love them regardless.

 

2012 Hopes & Dreams

ENDING SOON!!:



 

A Little Tribute to My Relationship with Jerry

I've been thinking about my husband a lot lately, and our relationship.  Sometimes it is good to think about everything we've been through, and what we've experienced.  It isn't our anniversary, but why wait.  We've been together for over 4 years, married 3.5 of them!!  I'm a blessed woman.  I love this man something fierce and I am so happy to continue to build a life with him.

I love all of these memories.  Let me never forget.




 

Oh December!

I cannot believe that December is here.  Wow.  What a whirlwind of a year!  I feel like I've been going non-stop since this same time last year, and at the same time during the actual days it often feels like time is at a standstill.  I honestly can't wrap my mind around it.  How are we a month away from chiming in another New Year?

I think if I were to pick a favorite holiday it would most definitely be Christmas.  I love the decorations, the activities…the family gatherings.  I love the glow of the lights on trees, an excuse to drink gallons of hot cocoa and the snuggling together to keep warm.  As this year comes to a close, I am reflecting a lot on what I want 2012 to be like.

Will I finally finish the novel I've started?  Will I drag my heels into 2012 instead of completing the last 4 lessons in my counseling coursework?  Where will I take this blog in the next year?  What will Zion be like a month from now?  Will we actually make the switch from not-trying-not-preventing to trying-to-conceive or will I find myself entering the new year knocked up?  Will I finally switch to a more healthy eating style? Will I finally lose the extra 20lbs I'm carrying around?

While I may not have all of the answers to these questions…maybe not even a single answer, I do have an idea about some wonderful things that are happening in 2012.

• I am currently working on an extensive re-design of my blog (will go live 1.1.12!).  

THIS…

...is a sneak peak!

• I'm launching a comprehensive FREE blogging tools website (basically a ton of links that have helped me immensely), hoping to have that live by 1.1.12 also!
• I'll be doing Medifast for 2-3 months starting either January or February with a goal to convert to a modified vegetarian diet (fish,dairy,eggs) after that.   
• I AM going to run a half-marathon…I don't know which one yet, but I'm GOING to do it!
• I am going to BlogHer 2012 in NYC (hey I live there…score!)  I'm thinking about having a slumber party at my apartment for those interested in inexpensive lodging…interested? Shoot me an email!

I'm not really big on New Year resolutions…so the most you will get is goals and objectives from me.  :)  I have more but for now I am going to take this month slowly and enjoy all that the holidays have to offer.

Have you stopped to reflect on this past year?  Excited for Christmas?  I'd love to hear what you are contemplating this last month of 2011!


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All Things Shall Be Added {& tommee tippee monitor review}

One of my very favorite Bible verses is Matthew 6:33:

But, seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

It is taken from a passage of scripture that specifically addresses the very natural tendency we have as human beings to be worried about our next meal, the clothes we have, basically our necessities as well as our need for material possessions.  It explains that as long as we are truly seeking God, putting Him first, all of our needs will be met.

I've been in many seasons of life so far, some where I lacked little, others where I lacked much.  In fact, our little family is just starting to come out of a season of lack.  I shared a little encouragement about going through these seasons here.  We are not in a place where we can go out and get whatever we need when we need it, we are on a tight budget and plan our purchases accordingly.  So what happens when something breaks or a new need presents itself?  Usually, there is a waiting period, but sometimes, God shows up in unexpected ways to give us better than what we need.  I'd like to share a story about that with you today.

I was excited to receive an email a few weeks ago from the MomBloggersClub inviting me to a tommee tippee event here in NYC.  I'd heard of the brand and remembered that it was popular overseas.  Having not been terribly satisfied or able to be picky at the time I was pregnant with Zion, I was very interested in learning more about their product line, curious to see what they had to offer.  The best part…Zion was welcome to join me (encouraged even).

The event itself was exceptional.  I had a fantastic time, and really enjoyed getting to see everything they offer, plus learn the concept and background behind the design of each product.  I was amazed at everything I learned and instantly knew why parents were all abuzz about the brand.  I could go on and on about the professional brand managers at the event, and how they were genuinely passionate about the products.  Click here to learn more about the history of the brand.

Then something incredible happened, I was generously given the new closer to nature: Digital Video Sensor Pad Monitor to review.  Why is this so incredible to me?  Well, as I was saying earlier, things that get broken around our home right now, tend to be put on a waiting list, this includes a baby monitor we borrowed from my sister, that barely survived its last trip across the country with us.  We were in need of a working monitor, but I knew this would not make it on the list of purchases for quite a while.  God met our need, unexpectedly through this blog!

I started this blog with a desire to get back into writing, and to have a place to share about our family that wasn't Facebook (no offense Zuckerberg!).  I wanted to have a creative outlet and possibly bring visibility to my talent as a writer, in preparation for more serious writing opportunities.  I also considered the possibility it could benefit our little family with fun opportunities here and there, but I didn't realize it would be so soon or that God would use it to meet our needs.

We've been using our new monitor for a few weeks now, and I have to say that I LOVE IT!  Being that Zion is 18 months, I am not using the sensor pad, but the video monitor itself is of excellent quality.  A few of the key features that I am particularly won over with are:

• Talk Back (not to be confused with backtalk!) - I can push a button on the parent unit and talk to Zion.  This helps me a lot! Especially during nap-times when I can see she is walking laps around her crib. Most the time I just say to her, "Zion, please lay down and go to sleep now" and she looks at the monitor and flops down in her bed and into sleepy time.

• Temperature gauge - Zion's room is small and tucked away from the major air flow of our apartment, often getting stuffy…I love that any time I check on her via the parent unit I can see how warm or cold her room is without physically going in.  Any one who lives in a NYC apartment has probably experienced how rapidly the gas heaters can go from toasty hot to frigid cold…and would benefit greatly from this feature.  

• Adjustable Sound Sensitivity - Zion sleeps with a white noise machine on every night, plus currently (due to a constant barrage of colds) a humidifier, and sometimes a window fan as well.  I was worried that the parent unit would stay on indefinitely and we'd be stuck sleeping to the sound of ocean waves, or hum of the humidifier in our room as well.  This is not the case…the parent unit only activates when there is a change in the environmental sounds.  I'm like, "woah! How does it do it!?"  I only hear it come on when Zion is coughing, crying or talking, or clearly moving around awake.  

The image quality is standard to what most modern monitors on the market have, although the LCD screen on the parent unit is quite large in comparison.  The baby unit has an adjustable nightlight that can be controlled remotely from the parent unit, making it easier to pop in for a check up mid-evening without disturbing a sleeping toddler.  Another noteworthy mention is that I have kept the parent unit off the charger all day a few times and have yet to have the battery die on me, something that thoroughly annoyed me about our previous monitor.

There are a couple of things that I think could make this monitor close to perfect: First, a time display on the parent unit…I would love to be able to see the time right on the LCD display instead of having to reach for my phone in the middle of the night when Zion wakes up.  And second, the baby unit, while able to fit on a standard camera tripod, is not set up to be mounted on the wall…which means a birds-eye view is not really an option.

I am really thankful that I was able to attend the tommee tippee event, and blessed that God has been opening doors for me as I continue to pursue my passions as a mom, wife and writer.

Have a story about God providing for you in unexpected ways?  I'd love to hear it!

Let's Connect!

       

I was given the tommee tippee - closer to nature: Digital Video Sensor Pad Monitor to review.    Opinions expressed in this post are completely mine.  Disclosure policy.

Wordless{ish} Wednesday

The other evening, Zion and I were on our way back from a walk when we saw this.  Dusk came quickly that evening {thanks to daylight savings}…the sunset was brilliant over the Hudson River.  I had one of those special moments where I got to direct her attention to the beauty and majesty of all that God has created for us.  It is a moment I will treasure in my heart for eternity.

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Faith Filled Marriage: Life Patterns

Addiction

Trauma

Witchcraft

Alcoholism

Violence

Depression

Abuse

Divorce

Abortion

Disease

Adultery

Neglect

Suicide

Regretfully, these words all have their place in our family histories.  Some of these have been experienced in recent generations, and others in generations past.  A few I know all too personally.  

When Jerry and I knew that we desired to be married, we began a lengthy divulgence of privileged information.  Family secrets and issues that have been primarily sealed for the need-to-know basis only, were slowly spilled out in moments of confidence.  It was important to both of us to "put all of our cards on the table."  We have always been honest with each other, sometimes brutally, painfully honest.

We take our oneness seriously.  We have a forever view of marriage.  We are eternally committed to one another.  Our unshakable belief in the authenticity and authority of God's Word is one of the things that attracted us to each other and has been part of the glue that has held us together since the beginning of our relationship.  

We have learned, in our very short time being married, how generational curses or life patterns work and operate against us.  We have seen the chains of bondage choke the life out of loved ones, we have seen others battle the same patterns over and over with no breakthrough, and we have experienced the agony of recognizing the same flaws we've vowed to escape in our own lives.  

In order to become the people God has created us to be, in our marriage and all of our relationships, we need to take an honest look at the spiritual heritage left for us.  We need to recognize the influence of life patterns and generational sins in our family life.  To put it plainly, we need to examine the "why" not just the "what" of the things we do.  It is not enough to recognize our mistakes, flaws, and weaknesses…we need to seek out the root causes.

For me, after years of reflection, I can identify several patterns that have been passed from generation to generation in my family.  One example of this is Alcoholism.  I am not positive how far back it goes, but I can tell you with certainty it has affected multiple generations, and threatened to continue through me.  I will share my personal testimony on this at some point, but for now, I can tell you that I have been called to be a curse-breaker in my family.  I have made the choice not to drink, believing that my faithfulness to abstaining has a direct effect on my children's futures.  

Another recurring life pattern in my family is divorce.  My biological parents have been divorced 3x each.  This is a life pattern I am determined to overcome…its influence has tried to wreak havoc on my marriage many times already.  It is not just the idea of divorce, it is the deeper implications of separation, selfishness, and inability to honor commitment that try to sink their claws into me, especially during moments of weakness or struggle.  I am thankful to God that in those moments, He opens my eyes to see where they are coming from and strengthens my resolve to be fully one with my husband.

These are just a couple of the patterns that God has opened my eyes to.  It is not an easy task to revisit the dark parts of my family history, but it is a necessary endeavor to ensure that Jerry and I leave a legacy of hope, abundance and light to future generations, as well as obtain the abundant life that God desires to give us now, during our short time here on this Earth.  

Facing the truth about our family histories, and bringing the darkness into the light has been one of the most freeing parts of my life so far.  And there is still much to overcome.  Together we are called to be curse-breakers.  Together, we will overcome.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  Galatians 5:1

Have you taken the time to evaluate destructive life patterns in your family history?



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Deep Breath In, Deep Breath Out

What a day I've just had!  Seriously, today was full of challenges, crazy temptations, and emotions.  Before I plunge you into the madness, let me just say that, I have really changed.  Not like, "Oh you hit your 30's"maturity boom, but more, "Wow, God is really changing me from the inside out" kind of change.

I've always been sort of a "hard" person - extremely tough on the outside, stoic, unshakable even.  Not. Any. More.  Lately, I have been repeatedly blindsided by my emotions, the outward display of them as well as the intensity.  I'm not on any hormones.  I am not a wimp.  I am just easily moved to deep feelings over things that I used to appear numb to.

Don't get me wrong...this post is not a complaint at all, more of a revelation or an "ah-ha."  I used to think that my inability to display emotion was a permanent part of my personality, but I've come to realize, over a lot of grueling soul searching over the last decade, that it was actually a self-defense measure I acquired in childhood.  I am realizing how it made me seem phony, and callus to many people who I genuinely care about and longed to connect with.  I fear I may have even lost out on friendships because people took my lack of emotion as indifference or contempt.  Brutal introspect aside, and as uncomfortable as my newly flowing emotions are making me, there is so much joy in knowing that the huge wall that kept me so reserved, is now down.  I feel, ALIVE!

I am vulnerable and it feels great.  There, I said it.  So, about today, already...

Lessons Learned: Seasons of Lack

radicalgenerosity.jpg

When Jerry and I moved back to NYC in the Fall of 2009, we had no idea that we'd be literally living out of our car, and at the grace of good friends for the first whole month. We had spent the last year and a half completely oblivious to the very real struggles that the dwindling economy were causing people in places outside of Southern Louisiana.

We were reading the articles and seeing the news about millions of Americans being jobless, but we weren't feeling the effect at all. We were in a bubble, making above average and paying below average, in the small community where we lived.

When we knew it was time to head back to NYC, we just packed up our car, made arrangements with a friend to stay for what we thought was going to be a week or so, (just until we got an apartment and jobs) and hit the road. It was a complete shock when finding an apartment became a nightmare, and jobs were few and far between. It became less about choosing a career path for ourselves, and more about just finding a job for some income.

After about 3 weeks at our friends house, we knew our welcome was wearing out, and we headed to a hotel in New Jersey where we reflected on the absolute madness of our very miscalculated plan to just "wing it" when we got back in the city.

Far Away From Home: Why Community Matters

I have a rather large family, which continues to grow.  Pictured above are my 5 sisters, 1 brother and 3 step brothers.  (Not shown is 1 brother and 2 brother-in-laws, 1 sister-in-law).  As crazy and ridiculous as it can be to have so many siblings, it is also a ton of fun.

When my sisters and I were younger we used to dream about living on the same street, raising our families together...growing old together.  We never anticipated that we'd end up spread out across the country, thousands of miles away from each other.

Developing a Theology of Homemaking

Image from TheWayEverlasting.com

A few weeks ago during a message series called, "Joining God in the Renewal of All Things", our Pastor Jon Tyson spoke on being on the "Redemptive Edge" of your industry.  A key example of what he meant by that statement was his description of a common misconception of how we can bring change to our very broken and corrupt world.

Pastor Tyson gave the example of placing a strong Christian in a "CEO" type position at a major cable company in order to create lasting change in broadcasting and programming.  He refuted this idea by stating that even if that were to happen, any major changes would be usurped by the demand of the masses for the very material we would want removed.  It wouldn't take long before the board of directors would send the Christian CEO packing.  

Instead, he suggested, that same Christian could get thoroughly invested in the philanthropy oriented area of the company, where he could offer suggestions where large amounts of profit could actually be used to do good in the world, therefore redeeming it for the Glory of God.   

Faith Filled Marriage: The "For Worse" Times

While some people believe that being in a marriage where Christ is at the center means a flawless and uneventful home life, the reality is that Christian marriages are just as susceptible to hurt, pain and trial, statistically ending in divorce just as often.

The truth of the matter is that we are all dealing with brokenness to some degree, and as a result, face many trials, and sometimes more than our "fair" share of heartache.  So, if suffering to some degree is inevitable, even in our closest partnerships, what can we do about it?

I have been meditating a lot on this recently because I have been battling issues from my childhood for what feels like over a decade now.  I was naive in the beginning of my marriage in believing that Jerry would only bring out the best in me, imagine my surprise when I realized he could easily bring out the worst!

There are three major mistakes we can make in our marriages when faced with the reality that it is not all sunshine and roses all of the time.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I never realized the amount of introspection and reflection that would absorb my time in the weeks and months leading to my big 3-0.  It is as if a complete inventory of my life was somehow mandated.

I struggled through a lot of inner turmoil and as a result struggled outwardly as well.  I wrestled with questions, so many questions, about my life and the current direction set before me.

Who are my friends?  Who am I?  Am I happy?  Is this where I want to be?  Am I doing my best?  What is God's plan for my life?  Am I living according to His will or mine?  Do I have joy?  What example am I setting for my daughter?  Does my husband still love me?  Am I failing?

I'm not going to lie, I uncovered a lot of hard truths in the process.  Truths that I didn't want to face.  But I also discovered that I have choices to make.  If I am to live the life I long to have, I have to be the woman I am called to be.  I need to rise to a new level of understanding, of appreciation, of devotion to my Lord and His purpose for my life.