{Broken}

It's been a hard month.

I don't even know if I'm sure how to begin this conversation,

but I have to open up my heart.

I need to release the tidal wave of emotion that is threatening to drown me.

I'm not very good at sharing this part of me.

I'm not good at dealing with pain.

I'm broken.

I'm so very broken.

Some of it is my fault…

I take full responsibility for the choices I've made 

that have brought with it the consequence of pain.  

But this is not the brokenness I'm speaking of today.

I'm talking about the brokenness that is a result of someone else's choice.

A choice to rob me of my innocence as a child.

A choice to violate the depths of my soul.

It is a wound that continually bleeds.

It is a pain that knows no limit.

As I sit here today, writing this, 

I am discouraged in my soul.

For as long as I can remember I've tried to control the pain,

to stop the bleeding,

but I have finally realized I cannot do it.

I've self-medicated, and I've run.

I've buried it and I've hid.

I've screamed, I've cried and I've rebelled.

Most of the time I smile through it, refusing to expose it.

And now, I've reached the end of my own efforts.

I am perplexed.

The one thing I haven't tried is to 

just be still 

and allow myself to actually 

feel the pain.

Allow myself to actually feel

 the emotions that are trapped

 in my mind and body's memories 

of what I've endured.

But today I'm doing that.

Today I'm just feeling what I feel.

Today I'm being authentic about how deep the wound is.

Today I'm trusting God that this is the way to freedom.

I may be broken,

but my faith is intact.

I may be broken,

but I am being restored.

I may be broken,

but God will not leave me here.

{Coffee Date}

I've been meaning to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee for some time now.

If we were to share a cup of coffee today, I'd tell you that my heart is filled with a mixed bag of emotions…that I need to just purge for a little while if you don't mind.

I'd start our conversation by focusing on all the lovely things that have brought joy to my heart in the past few days.

I'd tell you...

How Zion's 2nd Birthday was beautiful, filled with close family and friends.

How I slaved away to make her a six layer rainbow cake with homemade buttercream frosting…mostly to prove to myself that I was capable.

How she lit up the room with her excited response to everyone singing Happy Birthday to her.

I'd share...

How great it felt to treat my in-laws to a fancy steak dinner at one of the best steakhouses in New York City (for Mother's Day)…a gift that Jerry and I have been dreaming of giving for a few years.

How Jerry received a bonus that was much higher than we expected, and how we've paid off our highest interest/high balance credit card in full!

I'd probably gloat a little about the fact that today we ordered my iPhone 4S in white, of course, and how I can't wait to destroy my current "smartphone" by smashing it to pieces.  Yes, I'm really going to do that.

And then of course the conversation would probably move toward some of the minor struggles I've had over the last couple of weeks….

I'd share that…

It is hard to admit to myself that my daughter (my sweet little baby) is now 2.  And I secretly hate the fact that we took away her pacifiers the other night, even though she is doing fine without them.

I felt awful that she ended up getting her blood drawn on her birthday and how they couldn't get her vein to stop rolling so she had to get poked in both arms.  I wanted to punch the nurse, and cry too, but of course had to be strong and reassuring while she looked at me with those big tear-filled brown eyes.

I would tell you how I haven't quite got back into the swing of things with my blog or other projects, and that I am allowing myself to be okay with that for now.  Time away is good for regrouping and refocusing, always.

If we were to have coffee today, this is probably the point where I'd grow a little quiet and seem a bit distant, as I stripped away the layers and moved closer to the deeper things going on in my heart.

I would probably get a little choked up as I told you…

How the last two weeks I was convinced that I was pregnant again.

That I had all of the normal symptoms I had with Zion…that I couldn't wait to test myself yesterday, only to find that I was not pregnant, and then shortly thereafter have confirmation of that.

Then I would tell you how I'm afraid that I won't get pregnant again easily…how I'm worried about running out of time.  How my dream of having a big family seems like it may not come true after all.

I'd probably finish by saying, I still trust God, and know that He has perfect timing…and that I will still rest in that and believe and hope despite how I currently feel.

I'd then tell you how terrified I am about what God is currently doing in my life…all of it good…but incredibly scary for me.

I would tell you…

How I got asked to speak at a conference and said yes, even though every part of me wanted to say no, because I knew it was God's will.

I would tell you that I am more nervous about delivering the right message than I am about the actual public speaking, even though that part terrifies me a little bit too.

I would tell you that I know I will never be the same after sharing this part of my story…because once it is out there…well…there is no turning back…no more secrets.  I'd also tell you that I know this is part of God's plan to bring greater healing and wholeness to my life, yes, but also to the lives of others.

I'd finish probably by apologizing for talking the whole time and not letting you get much of a word in, and I'd thank you for being there for me, for praying with me, for encouraging me, for being a part of my life.

Lastly, I'd ask you to come and share a cup of coffee with me again…sooner than later…and promise to listen more than talk this next time around.




Linking up with Alissa & Dana.

{Hate Love Your Body}

This month, 

I asked my lovelies to 

share 

their favorite body part, 

or feature.

Throughout this post,

you will see 

their beautiful eyes,

long flowing hair,

and even an adorable button nose.

What you won't see

is the words that several used

to describe their current

struggle

with accepting their bodies.

For most of my life
I have struggled
with my body image.

I have struggled
with measuring up
to what I believed was 

beautiful, 

often based on
 the culture of the moment.

I've always been 

insecure 

about my long nose,
rosy red cheeks

and

my long second toes.

No matter what I've weighed,

or even what size I've worn,

I've looked into the mirror
and often felt

disappointed.

Where does this devaluation come from?

Yes,

I can look at society,

Hollywood,

propaganda…

and I can 

point the blame.

What would that really solve?

Nothing.

We have it all…
wrong.

Our culture tells us to first:
be skinnier,
be more fashionable,
be this skin color or that,
follow this trend,
buy this brand,
do this,
and definitely,
don't do that
then we will
feel good
about ourselves.

And we've believed them.

They tell us to
change first,
then we will love
our body.

But does that work?

Do you really spend time
taking care of the things in your life
that you don't
love?

Challenge yourself to
stop
thinking that
changing yourself
will result in
finally loving yourself.

Start
thinking that
loving yourself 
will give you
the motivation to
make positive changes.

I've lost 28 pounds in the last four months.  

I now can say 

"I am no longer overweight", 

but I'm not yet happy

with my body.  

When I look in the mirror, 

I still don't see a skinny person.  

I still struggle to see 

an acceptable version of myself.  

Some people say that 

your mind has a way of 

protecting you emotionally, 

especially after a significant weight loss, 

just in case 

you were to pack the pounds 

right back on.  

Some days I feel 

larger 

than I felt weeks ago.  

In searching for the root cause 

of my inability to accept and enjoy where I've gotten, 

I realized that I have to 

first love and accept my body

 to see myself 

the way I truly am.

***

Let us start choosing to 

love 

our bodies,

to value the gift and function

of each and every

part.

And in loving them 

how they are now,

let us watch as

almost

effortlessly,

we begin to take better care,

and see ourselves

how we've always wanted 

to be seen.

I'm starting with

my nose,

and ending with

my toes.

Leaving Winter Behind & Embracing Spring

I wanted to share this post with you here in case you missed it when I shared it on Imprintalish!  

As Winter comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on what I've learned in the season.  How has being limited by the weather and the elements shaped my use of time in this closing season?  What does Winter signify in life seasons?  Many things happen in the Winter months: holidays, the coming of a new year, cold, darkness, even the death and retreat of much that lives.  

With each season we are given the opportunity to reflect, reinvent and refresh according to our willingness to embrace each cycle of life.  Winter is a season of allowing what is dead to be covered over, and what is still living to be preserved in cold, quiet darkness.  Winter allows what we didn't like about our lives in the former year to be buried and forgotten.   Winter allows us to rest and reflect, to slow down and contemplate, to create warmth and light from within.

Just when we arrive to the point where we have had it with forced reflection, the coldness, the limitations of snow, ice and bone-chilling wind...signs of change emerge all around us.  The long nights begin to shorten, the sun shines more frequently and the birds begin to chirp outside our windows.  

In our hearts we ponder the next season of our lives and begin to implement the changes we've considered in our hibernation.  Some of us emerge from our Winter's rest roaring like a bear, ready to tackle the most grandiose of plans, others of us remain more reserved…cautiously surveying the climate and waiting for our chance to embark on new adventures.

In time, no matter how big or small our steps forward, we begin to see the hopes we've stored up begin to bloom.  As the buds return to the tree branches signaling the return of the leaves, so do we begin to take notice of the small beginnings of new directions in our lives.

Perhaps we've shed a few pounds and our clothes are fitting looser, or our readership has increased, or maybe our marital intimacy has begun to flourish from all those warmth-seeking Winter cuddles.  Maybe we've noticed our little ones as they've grown so quickly before our eyes, perhaps experiencing their own wonder at their very first Winter.

We find ourselves in a new place of hopefulness, getting out more frequently just to experience what had been hidden by the cold…new fresh life, new possibilities.

The last signs of Winter begin to be washed away as the cleansing rains of Spring fill the air.  Galoshes, umbrellas and wind-breaker jackets make their way to the front of our closets.  We begin to purge ourselves of all that held us back in the year before…devoting hours to cleaning, rearranging, reorganizing, and regrouping.   In the same way our minds and hearts are purged of past regrets and old patterns, creating space for new paths to be explored.

At last, we arrive in a place filled with beauty, serenity and calm.  We accept where we are, and look forward as greater things are now just on the horizon.  We press onward, making our plans for the year and feeling free to indulge in the bright shining sun.

Spring has come.  The season of rebirth captivates us by its elegant charm.  Flowers pop up beneath the remnants of leaves shed in the Fall.  Leaves open wide like outstretched hands.  Children once again fill the parks with laughter.   We walk lighter on our feet, have a new song in our hearts and smile at strangers as if to agree that Winter is gone at last.

Without being too hasty or unappreciative of all the wonders of Spring, a new thought arrives in our minds: Summer is now just a season away.

Photographs are not mine, however; I received full permission to use them from their owners!

Solitude

I originally shared this post on MameMusings! But today, I'm feeling the need to remind myself...

Solitude.

Why is does it seem so elusive for us mothers?

Perhaps, we make it more complicated than it has to be.

What exactly does solitude require of us?

Aloneness.

via

Impossible.

My first reaction to the possibility of finding time alone.

[Insert list of reasons why here.]

Critical.

What can we possibly give if we are not taking the time to be refreshed?

via

Possibility.

How can I give myself ten minutes of quiet each day?

If I start with five minutes is that okay?

Release.

I will not feel guilty for taking this time out for me.

Reflection.

My mind is finally free to be me.

Oh hello lovely thoughts, restful sighs and tensions eased.

Retreat.

Is this vacation for my soul?

Believe.

A content, rested mother (&wife) is one highly praised.

Today, take those five minutes…or even ten.

Set down your burdens.

Embrace.

Solitude.

I previously shared this post on MameMusings, but had to share this here as a reminder to take time out for quiet reflection.  

Girl Behind the Blog: What I Am Learning ♥ {A Vlog!}

Hey friends!  I have  a treat for you today!  My first video blog (vlog) ever!  I hope you will join me for a few minutes as I share what I have been learning lately…


I was inspired by the two lovely ladies below!

Go view the other Vlogs here or here!
I'm so glad you came by - make sure you enter my current giveaway for ad space in April!  XO

Unscripted: No Safe Place

But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. The LORD is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from his land. You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more. Psalms 10:14-18

I've been angry, heart-broken and sickened lately by the injustices committed against children in our world.  Yes, I'm angry at the LRA/Kony crimes that have recently headlined social media and the news.  But there are so many more examples of children being used and abused, some a little too close to my heart.

I'm burdened.  Thinking about the mistreatment of children not only angers me, with what I can only describe as a righteous fury, it brings me to a place in my past that I don't want to talk about or remember. But here I am, faced with the ache in my heart for the lives and well being of the millions of children suffering at the hands of others in our world.  Here I am remembering what it feels like to have no where to turn, no safe place.

Let me be clear that: in no way do I pretend to know what it is like to be abducted from my family and forced into submission as a child soldier.  And in no way do I pretend to be able to fathom what being forced into sex-trafficking is like.  That, thank God, is not my story.  I do know what neglect feels like, I know what abuse feels like, and I know what being used as a weapon of retaliation looks like too.

I've touched on the brokenness of my family before on this blog, and feeling unwanted as a child.  I have yet to talk about the custody battles and family court, and being a "ward" of the state as a result of my biological parents selfishness and bitter hatred for one another.  I have yet to talk about the seeds of poison planted in my heart by the continuous barrage of manipulative messages bent on warping my heart towards one parent or another.

The last week has been especially trying on my heart, as I've been praying for two little girls who are experiencing this same kind of trauma and fear.  They fear not being taken care of, they fear threatened physical violence, and they fear total abandonment.  They feel they have no safe place.

Through becoming a mother, God has put a deep longing in my heart to be a safe place for these children.  I don't know exactly what this looks like, and I don't have all of the answers, but I trust God to reveal his plan day by day.  I want to protect these little girls, I want to rescue others like them.  I want them to know how much they matter to God, how much they are loved, even those I have yet to know, I have loved.

You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7

Moments of Solitude

Solitude.

Why is does it seem so elusive for us mothers?

Perhaps, we make it more complicated than it has to be.

What exactly does solitude require of us?

Find out, over at MameMusings where I'm inviting you to take a little time out for solitude today.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know...

I'm so loving this song by Gotye right now, and since it is number one on Spotify, I am clearly not the only one:

I think that one of the reasons I love it is that the words remind me of the worse break-up I ever had.  That may seem strange, why would I like such a thing?  This particular break-up was the only one I ever experienced where the person (who I was living with at the time) decided to just completely stop talking to me, and actually treated me like a complete stranger.

It took months for me to figure out what the heck had just happened.  I was the one who broke up, but it was a completely calm and agreeable break up.  One that by no means should have made us strangers, one that of all the other break-ups I've experienced would have seemed most likely to leave a friendship intact.

In a way this song gives me comfort.  Knowing that I am not the only one this has happened to.  A little piece of my dignity comes back every time I hear it, and I realize how screwed up it was.  Let's just say I've listened to it like 1,537,239,203,234 times.  (Just today).

Who of You by Worrying…{Featuring Carly from TexasLoveBirds}!

Hello, Baxtron{Life} readers! I'm Carly and  I blog regularly over here at a little place called Texas Lovebirds. My blog started as a series of "Dear Peanut" letters to our unborn son, but it quickly became a way for me to document this beautiful life and everything that comes along with it.  

With our son's due date just a few days away, our life is about to change in a big way and I hope you all will join us as we take our first steps into parenthood. 

Today I'll be sharing a post that I wrote several months ago; at the time I was about 26 weeks pregnant. Even though this experience seems like ages ago, I constantly go back to it and the lesson that I learned.  I hope you enjoy my thoughts and can learn something from it as well. Because let's be honest, momma or not, we all find ourselves caught in the trap of worry at one time or another.

 

Growing up I remember hearing adults (specifically my parents) talk about the worry that comes with being a parent. You know, followed by that very typical line.."you'll understand when you have kids someday." Okay Mom & Dad, you were right.  Last night while I was outside with the dogs, I took a little spill. My sweet Molly girl (you know, all 170 lbs. of her) got a little rowdy when I had her on her leash and pulled me a little too hard; thus, I fell. I caught myself on my hands and knees and got up unharmed. No belly hitting, or even remotely touching, the ground. Molly was distraught and quickly came to my aide, crouched beside me till I was on my feet. Once I was on my feet, my hand was covered in big, slobbery, Great Dane kisses.  I felt fine, I didn't ache, and I had no pains. 

But, of course, a little bit of me started to worry.

I promptly came inside, drank a big glass of juice, sat down, prayed, and waited for Gunner to move. I called Cody at work, and he assured me that I was fine as long as I wasn't hurting (in times like these, his medical knowledge really helps calm me). Shortly after getting some sugary juice in my tummy, Gunner began to kick up a storm. Each little movement, even the kicks to the ribs, made me smile. My boy was just fine.

"Thank you, Lord," I said. 

Followed by a thank you to Gunner as well.

Anxiety and worry are things I've always struggled with, and I'll probably write more about that later, but so many events have taught me that God is always in control. I think this will be a hard pill to swallow as Gunner comes into this world, but I know in my heart that it is true.

Gunner will always be most precious to me, but it comforts me to know that he is even more precious to God. He was knit in my womb for a reason, for a purpose. I don't even know what he will look like, but God knows the entire life that is ahead of him. God is so cool like that.

And do you know what's even cooler? 

That God allows little worriers like me to raise his children.

And when we worry, He grants us a flurry of movement and kicks.

Update!  Today Carly will meet her baby boy Gunner! :)  She is scheduled for a c-section based on his position.  Stop by her blog and give her a word of encouragement!! :)

An Attitude of Gratitude {Featuring Ronni from Anywhere Is}

Hey friends!  My friend Ronni from Anywhere-Is has a powerful message on gratitude to share with you while I'm away {hopefully surviving three toddlers!} in Texas.  Enjoy!

When I was a little girl, I was pretty happy. You know how they say ignorance is bliss? Yeah. It was like that. My parents spoiled my sister and me (seriously, every Christmas was insane!), and I loved school. If I lacked anything, I didn't know it (well, except for the Merry-Go-Round stroller and the Sit-N-Spin, but never mind those!), and I had everything I needed. We had a house in the city, and this house had a huge yard. Strawberry patches, plum trees, and a grape vine was something to take for granted. Giant pine trees with benches to cool off under. Gardens. Grass to play in forever. I didn't know that stuff was special, or a luxury. We lived upstairs from my grandfather, who I called Puddin'. Life was good, but in the typical unaware fashion of children (as it should be), I didn't know just how great it was.

It was after Puddin' passed away that things began to change. Suddenly, my family was struggling. A lot. Sometimes the lights or water would get cut off. Trips to Sears for large new school wardrobes no longer happened. When I was 16, I got a job working in an affluent suburb and began noticing just how different my life was from these kids who didn't work because they had to, but worked because they had nothing better to do on any given day. These kids lived in big houses, rode horses, and drove their own cars. They went to really nice schools with all the bells and whistles I'd only read about in novels or saw on TV. I was in an inner city school (which I hated) with a bunch of cynical and bitter classmates who, except for a few, just didn't get me. I was a nerd and a misfit.

I hated me. I hated life. I hated everything. And I escaped into fantasy worlds all the time.

One thing I've noticed is that a lot of people I know from Cleveland tend to have this downer type of attitude. There is always something to complain about. Always something to be depressed about. And I can't blame them, really. Cleveland's just now starting to get back on its feet after many years of decline. But it's challenging to rebuild what's been allowed to crumble. That attitude is deeply ingrained in my being, and I really have to work hard at being thankful for everything I have. When there is an abundance of love, friends, food, money, fortune, and blessings, it's so easy to find things to be thankful for. But when things are not going so well? Ah, that's where the challenge begins. And even when I am happy? It's still too easy for me to find something to mutter about!

It was when I began taking yoga that I started to learn about the Attitude of Gratitude. You see, a lot of people think yoga is just stretching and relaxing. I am here to assure you it is not. Depending on the type you practice, you will sweat! But that's beside the point. The point is that yoga is more than just a physical thing. It's also a challenge to look inside yourself, to find that inner light, polish it, and let it shine. But if you're not thankful, then you're only shining up gunk. I've learned that when I face my day with a list of things to be thankful for, more blessings rain down on me. It's a silly thing really. I am not a hard core believer in the Law of Attraction, but it just seems that happiness begets more happiness. Being genuinely glad at the abundance that I have just gives me more things to be glad about.

Still, it's all too easy for me to fall into complaining. I really have to be intentional with being grateful for all the blessings I have. I need to go out of my way to focus on all the good things and stop whining about stupid things, especially things I have no control over (like traffic lights and sales tax). I mean, I definitely have no problem with venting and clearing the air, but there has to be a point where I move past that so I can experience grace. It's a much nicer feeling than negativity. I think I need to be even more intentional with feeling thankful. I know someone who tries to post five positive things about each day on her blog. She's been doing it for many years. I could keep a gratitude journal. I could write a list. Many possibilities. It can't be anything but good for me.

"When we practice an attitude of gratitude, we are practicing feeling loved." 

{source}

Thank you so much Ronni, for sharing your personal journey and insight on gratitude.  I love that you keep a journal of things you are grateful for…what a powerful way to constantly be reminded of all that you have!

To visit Ronni & connect with her more, visit Anywhere-Is.

Unscripted: Somethings Got To Give

Something has to give.  Something always has to give.  It seems like just when I get a bit of balance in my life, some major flaw reveals itself and my energy has to be redirected in tackling it.  

Currently, I'm struggling with the reality of my attitude toward money.  I know it may be taboo to speak openly about personal financial struggles, but I'm seriously having issues and I will take any help I can get.  You see, I'm a spender.  

My husband, sincere thanks to God, is the polar opposite of me financially.  He is wise, conservative, and conscious of each and every financial decision he makes and how it will impact us.  

I may as well be declared financially blind.  I have the head knowledge and the smarts to manage money well.  I have tools at my disposal to make it easy and efficient to tend our household budget.  But, I just can't seem to stay within the boundaries we've set.

I'm trying to get to the root of the issue.  Don't get the wrong idea…I'm not going on shopping sprees and running up our credit cards frivolously.  I want more than anything to be debt-free this year.  I just seem to have this attitude about money that lacks proper respect.  

When I think about money, I think of the control it has on our lives.  I hate being controlled…by anything/anyone.  I have this rebellion that stirs in me when living in the confines of a budget or a spending cap and it sees every opportunity to use justification as a way of excusing my choices to overspend the amounts we have agreed upon each month.

This mindset is getting me in big trouble.  Its false.  Complete lies.  I am actually giving money more control by letting it wreak havoc in my life {and marriage} as well as keeping myself in bondage by overspending {each dollar overspent could be another dollar towards financial freedom!}

So what do I do?  I need to carve out the false beliefs I have about money and truly make it work for me.  I need to put more weight on each and every financial decision I make.  I need to get back to what has worked for me, until I break the habits.  So that means, I need to use cash again.

Cash only spending has a huge impact on me.  When I leave my debit card at home, I know that I have no choice but to stay within the boundaries of the cash in my wallet.  I can't be tempted to buy that extra box of hot cocoa when I didn't plan ahead of time for it.  And if that means I get to the checkout of the grocery store with more than I intended, I will have to face the embarrassment of putting something back.  This kind of money management also forces me to make a good meal plan and stick to it, something I've sort of stopped doing over the last couple of months.

I think that another part of my struggle is with just being able to say, "no."  Even if it is just a "no" for now, so that I can say "yes" later.  I've been a "Yes" person most of my life, and this ties right into breaking that habit.  

Money, I'm done giving you the keys to our kingdom.  

Unscripted: Reflections

Life in the Fast Lane…or Warp-Speed Through Life's Transitions!
These are tag lines that could easily describe the last year (not to mention preceeding years) of my life.  I am not the type of person that realizes all I have been through in such a short period of time, until I force myself to slow down and intentionally reflect.   I find the day to day of life to be busy and exciting.  Weeks can go by before I realize I've just been through some major life event, let alone how deeply I've been impacted by it.
Moving, different jobs, no job, adding a child, marriage, poverty,  you name it, it is probably something I have sped through in the last couple of years without giving myself the proper time to respect the MASSIVE personal changes that result from those kinds of things.  But here I am.  And right now, I'm thinking about last year, specifically, and reflecting on the big things that came about.
Zion's First BirthdaySuccessful EMDR TreatmentJoined New Church CommunityMoved, Again (Third time in 3 years!) Maid of Honor in my BFF's WeddingThird Wedding AnniversaryGave Up Alcohol, AgainCelebrated My 30th BirthdayMoved Blog from Tumblr to Blogger  
I know this list is incomplete, but just seeing the few things on the list, 2011 was definitely a very busy year for me.  Some of these events brought great joy, and most took a lot of energy and planning and were down-right exhausting!  Few of these events received their proper weight of reflection and introspection.  
But 2012 is going to be a different year…intentional living, moment by moment.
This year I am going to slow things down or at least make an attempt at it.  I'm going to say "no" more and "yes" less.  I am going to be more real with myself, and unafraid of what people think.  I'm going to be a courageous storyteller, a devoted and respectful wife, and an approachable mother.  I am going to weigh decisions, and options more heavily.  I am going to learn how to relax and let things be less about time efficiency and more about quality.  
I am not going to make any more excuses for where I am, instead I am going to work hard to get to where I want to be.
Perhaps it was the pivotal moment of crossing that threshold from my 20's to 30's that has motivated me to make life count, or maybe it was my transition to motherhood and seeing how quickly my daughter has grown?  It very well may be God just asking me to slow down and not miss the "living" part of life.  Whatever the reason, this year I'm doing just that.

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty. ~ Robert Frost