Overwhelmed

It has been a while since I just wrote from my heart on this blog.  Perhaps too long, but I've got a million good reasons why.  Right now, I'm feeling upset and overwhelmed - and so I'm here to unload a bit, but - you should know - this is more for me than it is for you.

Life in general can be such a daily challenge.  I mean, seriously, you would think - given the fact that I am doing what I always wanted/dreamed of doing - that I would be able to find daily joy and contentment.  That somehow exuberant energy would rise from within me and push me through my days tasks.

But it doesn't work like that.  And its outright disappointing.  I have so much to be grateful for - I really do.  I have a loving husband - who is hard working - dedicated - and wants to spend time with me.  I have a beautiful daughter who is practically attached to my hip everywhere I go.  And then I have a God who loves me unconditionally - in all my brokenness.  And I am grateful.

Yet, I find myself thoroughly exhausted...overwhelmed...beat up in this life.  I find myself wanting to constantly escape into a mind-numbing social media black hole or a few minutes-turned hours of fidgeting with my iPhone.  If I'm being completely honest - I find myself wanting and desiring to be completely selfish with my time and energy.

Circumstances do play into this - but it isn't the heart of the matter.  Sure, my husband has been away on business plus studying for his CPA for what seems like an eternity.  Yes, my daughter has been miserably sick and waking me up all hours of the night.  Of course I'm still battling the long-term effects of post-traumatic shock - and dealing with all kinds of disturbing phenomena from that.  Even so, the truth is, my heart is full of rebellion.

My heart rebels against surrendering to the rest God has invited me into - I still try to do everything on my own terms - my own way.  My heart rebels against the safety and authority of my husband - still afraid to trust any man with my livelihood.  My heart even rebels against the constant demands of the little girl who made me a mother.  

I feel sometimes like it is all too much to bear.  How can I be so selfish to desire an escape?  My heart is burning with that question right now.  I feel trapped in an endless cycle - pain, exhaustion, and constantly being drained to empty - and then yelling and exploding, often at the people who I love more than anything in this world.  The endless yelling turns to endless guilt for my seeming inability to control my tone and volume - let alone my self.

At night the record plays on a loop: "what a horrible mother you've become...what a failure as a wife...will you ever get it right?...how dare you desire time for yourself...you are just like your mother...it is too late for you..."

Here at the end of my patience...I cry out for God to give me strength in my weakness - to somehow recharge me supernaturally.  Sleep hides from me, solace flees at my sight, but please, oh Lord, don't also run and hide.

I know some of you might think I am being too hard on myself.  Maybe to a degree I am.  Maybe I shouldn't expect so much of myself during this stressful time in our lives.  I mean, I have 3 days to pack for a 4 month trip to Alaska - and even though my husband will be home, he will be completely unavailable due to his test being on Monday...and my daughter is still sick.  But I do...I expect to be a better mom, a better wife...a better Christian.  But I am not.  I am a broken woman.  Desperate, tired and overwhelmed.  

And though I seem to have fallen into a pit, there is one thing that still remains.  A little mustard seed of faith that keeps me holding on, gripping desperately for the Lord, to be my "ever-present help in my time of trouble." (Psalm 46:1)

       

Sojourn in the Valley

I originally shared this post over at my friend Kim's blog, but feel like it makes sense to post it here now, so you all know where I'm at/where I've been.

Over the last year or so of my life I've been focused on coming out of a huge denial about painful things I'd experienced early in my life.  As a result of my inward focus, I have been able to finally start working through the pain, accepting it, grieving, processing and taking small steps forward from it.  I have also learned that perhaps a season of deep introspection can be necessary and vital but it is important not to remain stuck in this place for too long.

At some point in dealing with grief you reach a place where you realize that God is not going to take away your pain...at least not in the way our hearts desire.  I recently heard this great quote by a Christian Psychologist, "We want God to take away our fear, remove our pain and provide a reasonably pleasant life.  But God wants to meet us in our pain, and comfort us with himself."  As soon as I heard these words it was as if God himself was speaking them to me.

I had been praying and hoping that I would somehow reach the end of my pain.  And as a result I've been sort of limping my way through life, putting most things on hold in order to wait for the pain to go away.  And in this waiting my focus has been mostly on the pain, mostly on my feelings, mostly on my memories, and when you are this focused on the struggle, the solution is almost completely hidden from your view.

On the way home from Thanksgiving I started to realize that God was working on my heart, a lot.  He was nudging me away from focusing on all the pain and trouble and remembering to keep my eyes on the one who could provide the comfort, peace and healing that I need, Him.  My husband and I had plenty of time to talk about this on our nine hour drive home from Ohio.  He wholeheartedly agreed that it was getting to be the time that I should start focusing on the solution and less on the problem.

In many ways my faith walk recently has been stifled, as I've faced doubt and uncertainty as my protective shield of denial has cracked and fallen.  I've had anger pouring out of my soul that burns white hot, often sending me into a state of rage then panic when triggered.  I've been scared of who I am, and what I am doing in my life.  And I've been afraid to take these very raw and painful emotions to God.  I've been scared to admit that I'm angry with God for not intervening to prevent the abuse I suffered as a child.  Even though I know that God will not take away free will...even though I know that God orchestrated freedom from those who hurt me later in life.  Even though He has been with me and never left my side through it all...and yet it still hurts to know that some one's choice to sin against me could leave me so deeply wounded.

That person's choice has had an impact on every aspect of my adult life, from the way I relate to my husband and others, to the way I parent my child.

And now my focus has to shift because there is one who is so much greater than the one who wounded me, and I made the choice to believe and put my faith in Him.  And now, that choice is the one that will  make a much greater impact on my life going forward.  I am choosing to now look to my God, my savior and trust in Him to meet me in the midst of my pain.  No longer am I praying for Him to take it all away, no, I am praying that He would use my pain for His purpose, that He would help me find joy and peace in the midst of the sorrow.  That He would teach me to be a Godly woman, deep in compassion and overflowing with grace, mercy and forgiveness.

As I approached the Christmas holiday, I focused on the gift that I've already received in Jesus.  And that means my eyes are now on the solution.  My eyes will magnify the great and glorious God that has loved me from the beginning, accepts me in all my brokenness and promises to never leave my side.

I've missed you all terribly, but what can I say - I've been sojourning in the valley for a while and just starting to begin my climb up from below.  I'm back and will be bringing you up to date soon with lots of really fantastic things coming this way this year in our lives.

This week there will be a lot of catch up work on this blog - things might be a little hectic in terms of layout/design/etc. plus I have a few reviews I need to post, stick around anyway and watch me as BaxtronLife evolves!

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On My Heart... The Unimaginable

Lately I've been feeling especially sensitive to stories in the news of moms losing their children in unfathomable tragedy.

First, there was the mom who came home to her Central Park West apartment to find her trusted nanny had snapped, murdering two of her three young children and then trying to kill herself.

And then there was Hurricane Sandy and the story of a mom fleeing for her life with her two young boys, when the water overcame their vehicle and they were forced to leave it, the boys were ripped from her arms by the raging surge.

Both of these stories left me feeling such empathy for these mothers - I honestly don't know which scenario would be worse - either way - I just can't imagine the pain and the loss they are experiencing at this time.

One of the things that I didn't expect as I become a mother, or at least not to the degree of it, is this fierce protective nature that instinctually takes over.  Before I'd ever left the hospital with Zion, I had to watch the video...you know...the "don't shake your baby" video.  It literally had both me and the hubs crying - we just couldn't fathom how anyone could hurt their child in this way.

And then as I recovered those first few weeks - I would remember a rogue thought popping into my mind of "what if something happened to my daughter" and it would literally tighten every muscle north of my shoulder blades.  I was hypervigilant in those early weeks.  To a certain degree I still am.

Sometimes, the fear of something happening to my daughter - just the thought of it, can send me into an emotional spiral.  I think also about if someone were to hurt my daughter, what that would do to me - how I'd react, and how I'd ultimately respond.

As moms - we are nurturers: we kiss the boo-boos, take care of needs, tend volatile little emotions - and at the same time we are guardians: there to protect, to be their voice, and to fight for their survival if provoked.  With the same mouth we can magically heal a bump or bruise and in the next moment cuttingly warn someone to back off if they get too close to our child.

Many of my deepest thoughts lately have been in reflection of the parent-child relationship.  I've been thinking about God as the Father.  I've been trying to empathize with what it must have been like for Him to send Jesus to the Cross.  I mean, I'm going to be totally honest, when I look around at the world today, and then I look at my little girl, if I had to give her up for the wickedness of the world to be forgiven - placing all of the world's mistakes upon her, sending her to a brutal, torturous death on a cross---could I do that?  No.  Most certainly I could not.

Only God could do such a thing.  I do not believe even for a minute that a loving parent could sacrifice their child AND survive the pain.

And that is just it.  God loves all of his creation as his children - He's invited us all to be adopted into his family - but it cost him greatly - it cost him his one and only son.  Now of course, Jesus was raised to life and sits with the Father now, but it doesn't negate that God loves each of us so much he was willing to make a trade so that he could experience the same relationship with us.  So that we could know him, and experience Him.

That kind of Father is foreign to me.  A Father that would stop at nothing to bring all of his children into the fold, to save all of his children from eternal damnation.  The most stunning thought I have is that God could have shown up at any time now to judge the Earth, but he hasn't.  His desire that all should be saved is so strong, his love and compassion and mercy so overflowing, that he allows us to continue in our wretched state.

No one has more faith in humanity, than the creator of humanity himself.  And that is something worth thinking about.

How Real is Too Real for Blogging?

One of my favorite lovelies that I met through blogging started a new link up recently and I decided today was the day to take the plunge and join her.

Change can be a scary thing - even when it is desperately needed.  It takes a lot of energy to make positive lasting changes.  It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are unsatisfied with where you've ended up in life.  And don't forget the humility that is needed when you have to face the music that your own choices have led you to where you are (most of the time).

After just over a year of blogging, I have been stretched in ways I never imagined I would be.  In typical progressive fashion I've moved from being a newbie "Hello World, it's me Courtney" blogger to a overzealous socialite - "linky party every day please!" - to a "please follow me (you could win this special prize)" blogger, and then finally to the awkward - holy cow batman I'm in burnout mode and my family is ready to give me a blogging ultimatum, just to eventually end up here in this place.

What is this place?  The place where I am ready to change it up in a dramatic, terrifying and bold way!  The change I'm ready to make in my life is being really real - I mean not the kind of real that says "hey I was fake before" but the kind that says you know, "I have a purpose in this community for something and I'm going to walk into that purpose regardless of the followers I'll have six months from now" - because it is authentically my voice, and I've found it.

I have a story to tell and I'm going to start telling it.  Originally I thought it would be too difficult - too dark for me to share my story on this blog - because I long desperately to share nothing but happiness - like a Hollywood ending I want to re-write my story so that it is all sunshine and roses.  But this isn't Hollywood,  this is the place I have been given to share my testimony boldly - because someone out there needs to hear my story.  Because someone out there shares my story - and they need to know they are not alone.

I was recently inspired by the tweets happening about the Influence conference.  The thing that was really amazing is that, as much as I longed to have been there, I felt God's stirring in my heart the whole time the conference was going on, pushing me to start using my voice for Him.  I heard Him urging me to be courageous and not afraid of sharing my journey with you.  And honestly, I can't think of anything more freeing than just opening up and beginning to tell you, without being so vague, what I've been through - and how God has been my strength despite very challenging circumstances.

Some of what I am going to share going forward is going to be extremely difficult for me to open up about, not just because of how it has effected my life, but because I have protected the people who have hurt me by a very detrimental form of denial - a denial that has been broken down completely over the last couple of years, in a process that has shaken me to my very core.  I will always always speak with humility, love and compassion for those who have hurt me - but I will not deny the truth of the pain they have caused.  Nor will I deny the truth of the pain I have caused others in my own brokenness.

Don't think for one minute that my blog will all of the sudden be a dark and dreary place, because that wouldn't be accurate of my life either.  It will just be a more vulnerable place - one that shares the good as well as the bad - but hopefully never leaves you discouraged.  It will be a safe place to talk about pain and engage in meaningful community in regards to some of the darkness that plagues our world today, but it will still be a place of celebration of the things I love as well.

What is the change I want to see?  What is the life I want to live?  Who is the person I want to be?

I want to live immersed in the freedom and love of a flourishing relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and no longer frozen in the pain of my past.  I want my life to be abounding in supernatural grace and love - to be a person who has joy in the midst of sorrow, who can stand firm on the rock and not be beaten and battered by the storms of life.  I want more of Him and less of me.

I want to laugh and smile and dance again - releasing the weight of my worries and heartaches to the one who has already come to set me free.  I want to encourage others who have experienced painful childhood wounds by walking through the healing process openly.

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A Heart Gone Wandering...

This past month has been challenging - and whereas the past several months have been no piece of cake, each new month seems to stack up the challenges upon each other leaving me stretched thin and weary.

I have been open about my faith as a Christian here on my blog, but I haven't been open about the challenges of keeping that faith.  In the past year of my life, everything that I have so passionately believed in has been questioned and put under the greatest battle of soul and spirit that I can describe.

My relationship with God has been at times marred by anger and resentment, at other times pushed so far away that only a God who is omnipresent and fiercely willing could break through the icy walls I've  built up.  In my spirit - I believe with everything - in the God of all creation - in his perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for the redemption of all humanity.  But in my soul I experience violent opposition to trusting Him with my life.

I'm about to get very real with you - so brace yourself - I recently had a major life breakthrough - one that was critical - one that was orchestrated beautifully by the hand of God.  I woke up from a denial about things I experienced as a child at the hands of the two human beings entrusted with my care.

For over 20 years of my life I coped with life by creating a fantasy in my mind - a disillusioned perspective on the world - one that minimized pain, fear, anxiety and reality.  One that minimized real evil in the world.  You see, real evil didn't exist in my reality - it couldn't.  And so it was easy to see God in his perfect goodness and not question or doubt Him.

Its not that I didn't believe in evil - but I believed in it the same way as I believe in monsters in scary movies.  It freaks me out, I push it to the side believing it couldn't possibly be like that in real life.

But, now I know that real evil exists.  Because I was the recipient of real evil.  And that evil has had its mangy filthy claws in my flesh for the past two and a half decades.  And it is that evil that I am battling daily - that I am fighting for dear life to escape from.

My daily battle is one of learning to live in reality - no longer minimizing the hurtful things I have experienced, no longer protecting the people who were supposed to have loved me.  Instead I am allowing the unprocessed pain to wash over me, tidal wave by tidal wave.

Hoping that as I surrender to reality, I will find the continued strength to choose to believe rather than doubt in God's love for me.

Hoping I can believe in the goodness of God as much as I now believe in real evil in this world.

Hoping that one day this storm will pass and I will again be able to see the sun shining above me.

Hoping that one day there will be no more buried pain - just the freedom of being healed by God's great love, so that I can encourage those who have been or will be just waking up from their own fantasy.

This blog has always been a place for me to share my life - and to write from my heart - I haven't been able to do that lately as much as I'd like to, but hopefully you will understand how heavy my heart has been, and know I am still here and still care for each and every one of you!

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Strengths & Weaknesses Special Feature

What is your greatest strength?  What is your greatest weakness?  Are you like me and have the easiest time coming up with your flaws, but a difficult time acknowledging your strengths?  Let me challenge you today to think on the things you do well, your strengths.  I'd love to hear what you come up with.   I'll share mine in a minute, too.

Every month I get the privilege of partnering with amazing women who continuously impress me!  These women share their lives, passions and inspirations in a way that is refreshing, uplifting and vulnerable.  This month I asked these lovelies to divulge not only their biggest strength but also their biggest weakness.

Brooke | Covered in Grace / @CoveredinGrace / Facebook / BlogLovin' / HelloCotton

Weakness:This is so hard. I'm going to say, though, that it's ONE of my greatest weaknesses ... I tend not to believe in myself enough, or rather, I don't have enough confidence in myself sometimes. I think that's a pretty big weakness because it trickles into so many other facets of my life, affecting them all. It's something that I constantly struggle with and need to continually lean into Jesus to overcome.Strength:My greatest strength... I want to say it's my capacity to love and encourage others . But really...my greatest strength is my savior, Jesus Christ. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Lish | Imprintalish / Shop / @Imprintalish / Facebook / Pinterest

Weakness:I'm an introvert in 'real' life. I think this holds me back in promoting myself and even making new friends... I would much rather sit at home, then go anywhere , especially if it means I have to meet new people. I hate putting myself out there , and am so shy!Strength:My creativity. It's my passion and as long as I am in that creative state of mind , I am fueled and can't go wrong. Or at least I feel that way, lol, things always go wrong. Creativity for me equals strength and happiness.

Stephany | 'ol Mother Hyder / @HyderMommy / Facebook / G+ / Pinterest / Instagram

Weakness:I am a very, very blunt person. I do not see holding back the truth. And, a very firm believer that "the truth just hurts." (if it is not what you want to hear, of coarse). BUT sometimes people think I am being cruel or negative towards them . That's not it. I am just not fake. I never want to hurt feelings, but if it's the truth...it will probably be said.Strength:Creativity. I do love to use my imagination. If it's on my blog, decorating my home or preparing my son's lunch...I want it to be creative. Creativity defines an individual and brings ones life out.

Chelsea | In These Shoes

Weakness:I am a people-pleaser. I so desperately want everyone to like me--even people that I honestly don't like. I have grown a lot in this area. But still, sometimes I can get so self-conscious or convince myself that someone doesn't like me for no reason. I feel like I have to earn everyone's love and that if I mess up too much everyone will just decide they don't like me and don't want to be in my life . Every day I am trying to lean on the fact that Jesus chose to show me the most love when I was at my absolute worst.Strength:My greatest strength is compassion. If I can do one thing, it's care. I'm often brought to tears by the pain of a stranger or friend. This allows me to come alongside others in empathy and to help lift them up with encouragement. I have to flip the channel when those sad puppy commercials come on because I just can't handle it. Sometimes something sad I heard during the day keeps me awake at night thinking and praying. My friend once said I model "godly sorrow." Ungodly sorrow would be the kind where you think there is no hope. Godly sorrow is being so broken about your puny human condition or the condition of the world that you cry to Jesus because he is the only hope. This is what I do best.

Megan | Absolute Mommy / @AbsoluteMommy / Facebook / Pinterest / Instagram

Weakness:

Headstrong. It causes a lot of problems.

Strength:

Love. To love and be loved.

Yesenia | Then There Was Us / Facebook / BlogLovin' / Pinterest / Instagram

Weakness:

A big weakness of mine is that I tend to talk over people during conversation. And I don't realize it until I'm already doing it.

Strength:

My greatest strength would have to be that I am a very independent person and have always been a quick learner. I have a pretty good ability to grasp new concepts and skills quickly. This always worked to my advantage in the workplace.

Me

Weakness:

One of my greatest weaknesses is that I can be too direct.  

When I'm short and to the point, it can come across as harsh, and unloving.

Strength:

Reliability.  I am committed to keeping my word - and my commitments to people.  

I would go great distances for a friend in need.

What is your greatest strength?  Weakness?  We'd love to hear your thoughts!

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Hello God, Are Your There?It's Me, Courtney

I don't really want to write this post, I'm afraid of putting this out here, but I feel like I need to just clear my mind.  I've been going full speed ahead again.  Like a mouse on a wheel - running to the point of exhaustion - because its what I do.

I don't have to do things this way.  No one has me backed up against a wall.  It is my choice that brings me here always.  It is my escape.  My retreat.  It has been easy in my life to be compulsive - to push myself farther, to go over the top, to escape in anyway necessary because I felt that was what I had to do.  It's how I've kept the very real pain and horror of my childhood from overtaking me.  My propensity to overindulge in any activity able to distract my mind and heart from that pain has been one of the most falsely freeing and grossly debilitating plagues in my life.

I think if you were to peel away all of the layers of my soul, arriving at the deepest part of my being you would find a young girl there screaming endlessly in terror.  A young girl afraid of all that is evil and equally terrified at what is supposed to be good as well.   A young girl frozen in time - paralyzed within the cell she locked herself into in order to protect what little innocence wasn't taken from her.

I've been afraid as an adult, to face the reality of the fallen world we live in.  It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I was able to view my childhood without painting a fantasy of goodness over it.  I never claimed I had a good childhood, but I did my best to downplay what I experienced, denying the evils of it, and protecting the people who didn't protect me.

I've faced countless storms - riptides in my soul as the truth shattered the walls of denial I worked hard to build.  And as the walls have fallen down, leaving the truth bare and exposed, the depth of my shame motivates me to attempt to rebuild more fervently than ever.  As the walls crumble from my high tower of brick and mortar, into piles of dust, I run to and fro attempting to lay another shield of brick until I am exhausted, empty and utterly alone.  It is futile to rebuild.

When the veil is removed from my eyes in moments of clarity I can literally feel the poison of the deep wound in my heart traveling through my body - an anguish so deep that if not for God's strength in my weakness I am certain my body would tear apart from my soul to escape it.  And it is in this moment of gasping and fighting that I have yet to find the courage to trust God deeply enough to walk me through.  It is in this nakedness of my soul that I run for cover - desperate to hide my vulnerability.

I am a Christian, I truly believe that Jesus is the only one who can save me.  In fact, Jesus has been so faithful to me, that I have never trusted a person more than Him, and yet, the trust I have given Him is still so frail, so completely and utterly weak.  I struggle within the body of believers though, I struggle to find other believers who when faced with the truth about my pain and experience don't also run away in fear of it.  And the fear and sometimes reality of rejection keeps me constantly devoid of true, deep and intimate friendships.  That form of rejection just reaffirms that my pain is too deep, too frightening for anyone to endure - that it is too overwhelming.

At the same time, I am guilty of pushing others out.  When the message that people can't be trusted is seared into your heart as a child, especially people who are the closest to you, true intimacy often seems  like a foolish way of opening yourself up for more pain and hurt.  I've self-sabotoged many of my relationships when they got too close, demanded too much intimacy or made me feel too deeply.  I am just coming to terms, almost 31 years into this life, at the damage of my own choices to self-protect.

I can relate, more than ever before in my life, to Adam and Eve in the fall.  In a way I too decided that I needed to control my own destiny, to be like God - to build a life of protection aside from God - making God not a good enough protection for me.  When overwhelmed with the shame, fear and pain of my childhood experiences I too have chosen to run and hide from God.  And yet God still calls out to me.  He still fights for me.  He still invites me to have an intimate relationship with him.

But how afraid I am still!!  On most days the most courageous thing I can do is refuse to detach from this life - whether its by working myself to the point of exhaustion, distracting myself with duty and obligation or tuning out in some other way - I have to fight the constant urge to disengage from life itself.  I have to fight every day to stir up my desire to deeply connect with my husband, daughter and God.  And I often lose that fight.  And it pains me to even admit that here.

So, God, if you are listening, this is me crying out to you, from one moment of clarity - to be my very present help in my time of trouble.  It is me saying I love you and I need you, and I am sorry that I keep hiding and running from you.  It is me saying that I want with all that is wanting within me to have the life Jesus died to give me - one filled with a passionate love for you and others.  One that points like an arrow straight to you for your glory.

Friend, if you are reading this and can relate to my struggle - know that you are not alone, and I am here to walk with you.  If you are reading this and don't know what to say, or how to respond - simply knowing that you care and support me is all that I have ever needed.  Simply saying that you will not abandon me because my pain scares the ish out of you or touches too close to pain of your own is more than I could ever ask, and all that I have ever wanted.

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{FeaturedLovely}Meet Chelsea of In These Shoes

Hello!  My name is Chelsea and I am guest posting for Courtney today because the poor dear has Carpal Tunnel in her hand!  Take a minute to pray for her if you think of it.  I blog over at In These Shoes.   I am a 20-something should-be-done-with-college-but-I’m-not-quite English Secondary Education major.  I write about what God’s teaching me as I spend time with him and in his word.  I spill the mushy-gushy details about my blossoming romance with my husband of almost one year.  I’ll also share the occasional art project, movie/music/book review, and outfit (because I love all of those things too much!).

Last year a mentor/friend of mine introduced me to the idea of self-awareness as a means to knowing God better.  She helped me to do this via the Enneagram personality test, and since then I’ve become evangelistic about it.  For those familiar with the test, I am a Helper (2).  This means that at my worst my natural bent is to focus on other people’s problems as a means to ignore my own.  At my best, it means I am a selfless servant naturally pouring out tenderness and encouragement to others.  Since self-awareness isn’t my natural bent, I have to choose to work harder at this.  

I think that getting to know God as we get to know ourselves works out in a couple of ways:  

1. We are made in his image:  it’s in the bible, check it out.  This means that there are characteristics of the Creator in his Creation.  Nothing is more exciting than seeing a trait in myself that I recognize as something I love about my Heavenly Father.  It’s kind of like being a Daddy’s girl and thinking about the great things you inherited from him.  

2.  We recognize our need for him in our shortcomings.  As we better understand the areas and patterns of our struggles, we begin to understand our need for God.  Where I am weak, he is strong.   I am made in God’s image, but I also have a sinful nature.  As I get to know myself (for better and for worse) I see my need, and God’s desire, to restore me to my original condition.  This drives me to greater closeness with the God that I love. 

On that note, you guys have heard of Audrey Hepburn, right?  *wink*  I’ve always loved her quote: 

via Wanelo

So, in the interest of myself, and you getting to know me better, I wrote my own “I believe” statement.

I believe in dancing.  Like fools.

I believe that love can last forever if you work hard at it.

I believe that there is grace bigger than all of our mistakes.

I believe in chai and frosted mini wheats.

I believe in playing soccer in the rain.

I believe in holding hands.

I believe that giving is happier than receiving.

I believe in pink gerber daisies.

I believe that each person has something unique to teach us about life and God.

What would your “I believe” statement say?  How are you getting to know yourself, and God, better?

***

Courtney here:

I "met" Chelsea via the MayDay FollowFest, and I've been so impressed by her understanding and ability to express the meaning she finds daily in God's word.  She has a beautiful way of sharing her insights.  I especial love her own paraphrases of scripture, which she calls the "Chelsea Standard Version." Thanks so much for blessing me by helping me out today lady!! XO

{Priorities}

by Kristin Smith

Finding balance in my life 

has always been a

challenge.

I'm the kind of person that takes on a lot,

even when maybe 

I shouldn't.

I know I'm not superwoman,

and 

I know how to say 

"No."

It often seems that 

just when I think I have everything

under control

something always 

tips the scale 

in the other direction.

But, the truth

lies in my 

priorities.

Often when things feel like

chaos,

I find that I've allowed my priorities to

shift out of their rightful order.

I've stopped 

keeping the first thing

first.

Lately,

it's been 

Writing, Family, then God.

And it's not working 

for me.

by Andrea Brancaccio

I know what I must do.

I've discovered the 

secret:

Time spent 

with 

God

is time

multiplied.

When my priorities are right

there is

harmony.

When there is harmony,

there is 

rest.

Is your life in balance

or are you 

struggling

amidst the chaos?

The Lord says:

"Come to me, 

all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.  

For my yoke is easy and 

my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

by Jesse Therrien

{Today}I Live

When I was a little girl, I was often full of anxiety due to the constant turmoil of a home plagued with alcoholism, domestic violence and neglect.  Both of my parents were extremely young, self absorbed and ill-equipped to raise the three little girls they had been entrusted to them.  One of my earliest memories in childhood marked a turning point in my life and has shaped me in ways that I could never fully describe.

Miracle by Adam Jackson

One particular evening, I was struggling with thoughts of death and the question of being alone forever after death…I remember being very afraid.  Perhaps I felt some degree of impending doom, and it followed me into my dreams that evening.  I dreamt that I was crying out in the darkness, separated from all that I knew and loved, when this giant hand reached down to me.  I knew immediately in my heart that this was God, coming to my rescue, comforting me.  I hugged the hand as tight as I could and was drawn up out of the darkness.  Then I woke up.


I was not raised in a Christian home, nor was I involved in church, or even talk of God.  From the moment I awoke, a deeply rooted faith in God had taken hold in my heart.  I believed, without a single doubt, that God was (and is) real, cares deeply for me and will not leave me alone in darkness.  I woke up with a new hope and foundation for living my life.  I have carried that faith and dream with me since that moment.

The Room by Jesse Therrien

I wish that I could say that from that defining moment life got better for me or easier, but it didn't.  Life was never promised to be easy or struggle free.  I grew up battling severe depression throughout most of my childhood, building to an inescapable climax during my teenage years.  When I was 16 years old I felt especially crippled under the weight of my emotions, and the deep wounds I'd collected as a child.  I was melancholic, sad, angry but despite my emotions I lashed out in unpredicted ways.  I strove for perfection in everything I did, and tormented myself endlessly whenever I fell short.

I reached a point of darkness where I believed it would have been better if I had never been born.  I frequently struggled with images in my mind of my life ending.  I didn't want death, I wanted release…I just wanted a mind free of pain and anguish.  One evening, while my family went about their normal activities I collected all the medicine from my mother's medicine cabinet.  Trembling, I swallowed the pills.  I wept quietly as I felt my pain washing me over like tidal waves, and mourned the life that I hoped would soon leave me.  

After swallowing the pills, I laid in my bed and prayed to God to forgive me, and I cried out for Him to save me.  As quickly as I had given my life away I wanted it back.  I begged and pleaded with Him to not take my life, but to give me a second chance.  I poured out my heart before Him and the weight of the load I was carrying was laid before His feet.  I cried until I drifted to sleep, unsure if I'd taken my last breaths.  Miraculously I awoke.  Never had I been so grateful to have air in my lungs.

Cloud Break by Cheryl Empey

I survived to make a promise to God that I would never devalue my life again.  Instead of drowning in the despair I felt, I would resolve to rise above all that I had been through.  I made a choice that I would never give up, and I would fight every obstacle that stood in my way to being wholly healed from the pain of my childhood.  I wouldn't end up another statistic of a broken home.  I would be the curse breaker and I would go on to live a "normal" existence.  Mostly, I just wanted to do more than survive.

I live today as a different person.  While I can't say that I am completely healed of the pain of my past, each day is a little bit better than the last.  Each day that God gives me the power to breath, is a day where I am actively pursuing wholeness in my life.  I have been blessed with a beautiful life.  I have a remarkable man by my side to hold me when I need to be reassured that life is indeed good, a spirited daughter to fill my heart with songs of joy and laughter and a God who, as promised, has never left me alone in my darkness.

{Overcomers}

Rowhouse 14

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The Jack Chronicles