Faith Filled Marriage: The ♥ Grows Fonder

I don't know how military wives do it.  I don't know how single mothers do it.  I don't know how widows do it.  This last week has me reflecting on what it is like to be apart from the husband for more than a day or two.  Jerry just got home from a week away in Atlanta!  He started a new job in the beginning of the year that may send him on other out-of-town engagements in the future.  I've never really been away from him for more than a handful of days at a time in the last 4+ years we've been together.  
So the question is:  Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?
A few things surprised me about this one week business trip to Atlanta:
1.  I cried, almost sobbed, in the minutes leading up to his departure from our home to the airport.  I am not a very overly emotional person, so I was completely blindsided by my feelings.  I believe it was 75% the realization that him being gone meant very little day-to-day companionship, and no warm body laying next to me at night {plus} 25% fear and panic about being all by myself for a week with our daughter,  and the idea that you just never know, something could happen.  Then I gave myself permission to be sad, this is my husband.  And yes, it was only a week, but we are much closer than I realize, perhaps I've taken that for granted.
2.  I anticipated and planned for a "bad week" of parenting.  I just couldn't imagine making it through the week all by myself, without severe battles that usually resulted in me raising my voice, more than I'd like to admit.  But, I was surprised, again.  I was able to have fantastic days with Zion, keep up with the housework, keep up with the blog, have a few visits with friends and even workout.  It is amazing that God used this week to encourage me as a mother, by showing me how capable I am of rising to the challenge of a situation, especially when I don't have a choice in the matter.  I was able to see for the first time, how I let some really ridiculous things bother me when Jerry is home, and how he really pulls his weight when it comes to helping out and his share of parenting.
3.  I can still be distrusting and fearful.   Technology is pretty fantastic, allowing Jerry and I to Skype almost every morning and sometimes in the evenings too.  That being said, the only evening I didn't hear from Jerry after work, I was fine, until the morning, when I didn't hear from him again…at first.  Thank you reality and modern culture for making it so easy to distrust an honest man on a business trip!!  I was getting worked up when I couldn't seem to get in touch with him,  thinking that he  was purposefully avoiding me, or that something had happened (cheating, partying, etc.)  This completely caught me off guard, because I trust my husband.  He is the most loyal person I have ever met…and it was disturbing to have such thoughts.  Thankfully, at the last minute he called before his training and we Skyped.  I felt so silly for even allowing the thoughts to linger for a minute. 
As I sit here, writing this post (Friday evening), I am eagerly anticipating Jerry's arrival home.  I feel like Santa is coming.  I mean I'm totally excited.   It has been a rough day but nothing can shake the joy  of knowing he will be home soon.  
The answer is:Yes, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.
And this is what I learned from Jerry's absence:
1.  It is easy to take your spouse for granted.  One of the quickest ways to discover whether or not you are taking your spouse for granted is to be separated from them for an extended length of time.  Knowing this now, I feel a great debt of gratitude toward my husband for all that he does while still working his tail off to provide for us.  I need to keep my focus on being grateful each day for everything he does, both big and small to make life wonderful for us.
2.  Love is so much more than a feeling.  I already knew this, but I really feel I had a fresh revelation while Jerry was away.  In marriage there are definitely different seasons, some where you can feel giddy and full of that mushy kind of love, while others can seem more practical and less emotional, almost like a partnership.   Because I know that love is a choice to commit yourself to another person completely, I need to remember that this equals a lot of grace and acceptance of where that person is at, where I am at, and what is going on in our lives at that time.  I need to be more flexible with my love.  And I need to remember how strong our love really is.
3.  God only gives us as much as we can handle.  I had no idea how much guilt I was carrying around, not to mention the lack of faith in my abilities (or really, God's ability in me) to succeed this week.  I experienced fear as Jerry left, fear of being a "single" mom and fear of infidelity, and none of these fears were based on reality.  God was there for me through the friends who visited, the peace of prayer with my little lady each night, and in the warm "I miss you" messages that came from Jerry throughout the week.  I need to remember the one who really holds my life, my child and my marriage together: it isn't me.
What is the longest you've been away from your spouse?  How did you deal with it?  Does this resonate with you?


 

The Weekly Wrap {1.14.12}

 We took a little trip to the bookstore to get Zion a new book.  While there I ended up finding several books I'd like to read, and walked away with one that is helping me a lot already!

 Started eating a lot more healthy this week, thank you Trader Joe's for making it easy!


 Zion got to sit on her Princess couch and eat, a big girl privilege in our house.


Another beautiful scene in our neighborhood as we approached home after a walk.

Zion took "Bear" to the playground in her mini-stroller…she was so happy to have it outside.


"Bear" had to swing with her as well.

Even though we missed Jerry while he was away in Atlanta this week for work, we had a beautiful week.
How was your week?



 

Unscripted: Reflections

Life in the Fast Lane…or Warp-Speed Through Life's Transitions!
These are tag lines that could easily describe the last year (not to mention preceeding years) of my life.  I am not the type of person that realizes all I have been through in such a short period of time, until I force myself to slow down and intentionally reflect.   I find the day to day of life to be busy and exciting.  Weeks can go by before I realize I've just been through some major life event, let alone how deeply I've been impacted by it.
Moving, different jobs, no job, adding a child, marriage, poverty,  you name it, it is probably something I have sped through in the last couple of years without giving myself the proper time to respect the MASSIVE personal changes that result from those kinds of things.  But here I am.  And right now, I'm thinking about last year, specifically, and reflecting on the big things that came about.
Zion's First BirthdaySuccessful EMDR TreatmentJoined New Church CommunityMoved, Again (Third time in 3 years!) Maid of Honor in my BFF's WeddingThird Wedding AnniversaryGave Up Alcohol, AgainCelebrated My 30th BirthdayMoved Blog from Tumblr to Blogger  
I know this list is incomplete, but just seeing the few things on the list, 2011 was definitely a very busy year for me.  Some of these events brought great joy, and most took a lot of energy and planning and were down-right exhausting!  Few of these events received their proper weight of reflection and introspection.  
But 2012 is going to be a different year…intentional living, moment by moment.
This year I am going to slow things down or at least make an attempt at it.  I'm going to say "no" more and "yes" less.  I am going to be more real with myself, and unafraid of what people think.  I'm going to be a courageous storyteller, a devoted and respectful wife, and an approachable mother.  I am going to weigh decisions, and options more heavily.  I am going to learn how to relax and let things be less about time efficiency and more about quality.  
I am not going to make any more excuses for where I am, instead I am going to work hard to get to where I want to be.
Perhaps it was the pivotal moment of crossing that threshold from my 20's to 30's that has motivated me to make life count, or maybe it was my transition to motherhood and seeing how quickly my daughter has grown?  It very well may be God just asking me to slow down and not miss the "living" part of life.  Whatever the reason, this year I'm doing just that.

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty. ~ Robert Frost

 

Unscripted: A Rough Start

Where does one start on the journey of unpacking their life's story {so far}?  I am starting this series for two reasons: first is to be true to myself, and second is to be true to those who care to know the truth.  It is not really a place to complain or be negative, it is more a place to unload some of the luggage I have picked up on my journey so far, and hopefully a place to set it down and walk away from it.  

Just like when I have something that is troubling my mind, sometimes it helps to give pain a voice in order to truly release it.  Not everything in my life is painful, I am truly blessed in so many ways; I will share that as well.  So are you ready to learn the real story of my life?

A Rough Start

I can't imagine the thoughts that were going through my mother's mind as she discovered she was pregnant with me.  I think about what was on my mind at 20, and it definitely was not children or marriage.  Having been married a short amount of time, to a man she was likely more pressured to marry than actually wanted to, I can only imagine the fear and the turmoil of her innermost thoughts.  

From what I know of my mother's details of her pregnancy with me, I feel lucky to have not been aborted.  I remember her telling me that she got pregnant "on birth control."  While that may have been true, that disclosure has created a level of brokenness in my heart that only now, as a mother myself, I have begun to recognize.  

I was not wanted.

  I do not believe she loved my father, and I do not believe he loved her either.  That may seem freakishly harsh or hard to stomach, but society in general was still largely supportive of marrying people because procreation had happened, whether accidentally or on purpose.  What a healthy way to start a lifelong commitment!  

Despite knowing that I was an accident, and not of the joyfully received "oh well" kind, I was brought into this world, via c-section, on a warm summer morning, September 1st 1981.  I was handed off to two adults who were ill-prepared to take care of me; too young, too naive and too selfish to be given the divine privilege of raising a child.

I was their second-born.

I have no memories of my parents being together, just a few old photographs lost in the fray.  Shortly after my little sister was born, things went in their marriage went from ugly to worse.  Their divorce came swiftly and the back-and-forth between both homes began.  I believe my parents were divorced by the time I was 2.  My mom became a single parent to three young daughters by age 22.  

  I cannot judge her decisions or properly weigh them in my mind, everything I feel toward my childhood is locked within a child's perspective.  It makes processing what I've been through difficult and sometimes seemingly impossible.  I was brought into this world under the weight of darkness and struggle, and maybe I was loved to some degree by those who conceived me.

But, I've learned a thing or two about love.

Love is a willful choice.   Love is a commitment.  Love is not an emotional response based on favorable circumstances.  What I've learned about love, I've learned from my deepest love: God.  And, I'm still learning.  Despite coming into the world an accident, burdened by the heavy pain in my mother's heart, I know without a doubt I was meant to be here.  I know that my mother chose life, and despite what her deepest fears were, she still carried me and delivered me.  

I am grateful to have been born, though from time to time in my life I have wished otherwise.  I am not sure I will ever fully understand my beginning in life.  I may never know in my heart whether I was truly loved by my biological parents the way Jerry and I love our daughter.  

Yet, I choose to love them regardless.

 

Our First Christmas ~ Just the 3 of us.

LAST CHANCE TO ENTER!:

 Our holiday fun started out with Jerry's official resignation from his job, freeing him up to spend two full weeks at home with us before beginning his new venture.  During his stay at home, he arranged a Daddy-daughter trip to the movies to see "the Muppets."
   Clearly she had a total blast on their date.  {Even though she slept through half the movie!}
 On Christmas Eve, Eve, we had a delicious lunch prepared by Zion's Godfather, Clark…who is a fantastic chef (checkout his Cookbook available on Amazon).   We enjoyed spending time with Alexis, Zion's Godmother and Valentine their adorable Boston Terrier.  {Val's Christmas present lasted maybe 15 minutes.}

   Zion wearing her Christmas Eve dress and playing in her new "Pri-cuh-Tent" {both gifted by the Godparents}.
     We opened our traditional Christmas Eve gifts…new pajamas for each of us!  Then we headed to bed.
   Christmas morning started with Coffee! and then the opening of stockings.

 Jerry and Zion played with her new play dough kit while I prepared our Fried Chicken & Waffles breakfast.  Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

  It was so good, even Zion had to lick the plate.  We continued with gift opening after breakfast.
   
   
 Baby doll from her Great Grandma Debbie & Grandpa Larry.
   
     I GOT MY NEW CAMERA!! WOOO HOOO!
     
   
 Then came the dollhouse…after which interest in all other unopened presents ceased.  She made it through and has had a blast playing with her new toys.
   
   
  Zion's Christmas Dress that her Nana got her.  These pics were taken earlier than Christmas, but I totally spaced on Christmas day to take pics of her in her dress!  Too much Nog on the brain!  
I'm loving seeing all of your Christmas posts…at the same time…I'm glad Christmas is over so that we can move on to other things! :)