{Priorities}

by Kristin Smith

Finding balance in my life 

has always been a

challenge.

I'm the kind of person that takes on a lot,

even when maybe 

I shouldn't.

I know I'm not superwoman,

and 

I know how to say 

"No."

It often seems that 

just when I think I have everything

under control

something always 

tips the scale 

in the other direction.

But, the truth

lies in my 

priorities.

Often when things feel like

chaos,

I find that I've allowed my priorities to

shift out of their rightful order.

I've stopped 

keeping the first thing

first.

Lately,

it's been 

Writing, Family, then God.

And it's not working 

for me.

by Andrea Brancaccio

I know what I must do.

I've discovered the 

secret:

Time spent 

with 

God

is time

multiplied.

When my priorities are right

there is

harmony.

When there is harmony,

there is 

rest.

Is your life in balance

or are you 

struggling

amidst the chaos?

The Lord says:

"Come to me, 

all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls.  

For my yoke is easy and 

my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

by Jesse Therrien

{Today}I Live

When I was a little girl, I was often full of anxiety due to the constant turmoil of a home plagued with alcoholism, domestic violence and neglect.  Both of my parents were extremely young, self absorbed and ill-equipped to raise the three little girls they had been entrusted to them.  One of my earliest memories in childhood marked a turning point in my life and has shaped me in ways that I could never fully describe.

Miracle by Adam Jackson

One particular evening, I was struggling with thoughts of death and the question of being alone forever after death…I remember being very afraid.  Perhaps I felt some degree of impending doom, and it followed me into my dreams that evening.  I dreamt that I was crying out in the darkness, separated from all that I knew and loved, when this giant hand reached down to me.  I knew immediately in my heart that this was God, coming to my rescue, comforting me.  I hugged the hand as tight as I could and was drawn up out of the darkness.  Then I woke up.


I was not raised in a Christian home, nor was I involved in church, or even talk of God.  From the moment I awoke, a deeply rooted faith in God had taken hold in my heart.  I believed, without a single doubt, that God was (and is) real, cares deeply for me and will not leave me alone in darkness.  I woke up with a new hope and foundation for living my life.  I have carried that faith and dream with me since that moment.

The Room by Jesse Therrien

I wish that I could say that from that defining moment life got better for me or easier, but it didn't.  Life was never promised to be easy or struggle free.  I grew up battling severe depression throughout most of my childhood, building to an inescapable climax during my teenage years.  When I was 16 years old I felt especially crippled under the weight of my emotions, and the deep wounds I'd collected as a child.  I was melancholic, sad, angry but despite my emotions I lashed out in unpredicted ways.  I strove for perfection in everything I did, and tormented myself endlessly whenever I fell short.

I reached a point of darkness where I believed it would have been better if I had never been born.  I frequently struggled with images in my mind of my life ending.  I didn't want death, I wanted release…I just wanted a mind free of pain and anguish.  One evening, while my family went about their normal activities I collected all the medicine from my mother's medicine cabinet.  Trembling, I swallowed the pills.  I wept quietly as I felt my pain washing me over like tidal waves, and mourned the life that I hoped would soon leave me.  

After swallowing the pills, I laid in my bed and prayed to God to forgive me, and I cried out for Him to save me.  As quickly as I had given my life away I wanted it back.  I begged and pleaded with Him to not take my life, but to give me a second chance.  I poured out my heart before Him and the weight of the load I was carrying was laid before His feet.  I cried until I drifted to sleep, unsure if I'd taken my last breaths.  Miraculously I awoke.  Never had I been so grateful to have air in my lungs.

Cloud Break by Cheryl Empey

I survived to make a promise to God that I would never devalue my life again.  Instead of drowning in the despair I felt, I would resolve to rise above all that I had been through.  I made a choice that I would never give up, and I would fight every obstacle that stood in my way to being wholly healed from the pain of my childhood.  I wouldn't end up another statistic of a broken home.  I would be the curse breaker and I would go on to live a "normal" existence.  Mostly, I just wanted to do more than survive.

I live today as a different person.  While I can't say that I am completely healed of the pain of my past, each day is a little bit better than the last.  Each day that God gives me the power to breath, is a day where I am actively pursuing wholeness in my life.  I have been blessed with a beautiful life.  I have a remarkable man by my side to hold me when I need to be reassured that life is indeed good, a spirited daughter to fill my heart with songs of joy and laughter and a God who, as promised, has never left me alone in my darkness.

{Coffee Date}

I've been meaning to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee for some time now.

If we were to share a cup of coffee today, I'd tell you that my heart is filled with a mixed bag of emotions…that I need to just purge for a little while if you don't mind.

I'd start our conversation by focusing on all the lovely things that have brought joy to my heart in the past few days.

I'd tell you...

How Zion's 2nd Birthday was beautiful, filled with close family and friends.

How I slaved away to make her a six layer rainbow cake with homemade buttercream frosting…mostly to prove to myself that I was capable.

How she lit up the room with her excited response to everyone singing Happy Birthday to her.

I'd share...

How great it felt to treat my in-laws to a fancy steak dinner at one of the best steakhouses in New York City (for Mother's Day)…a gift that Jerry and I have been dreaming of giving for a few years.

How Jerry received a bonus that was much higher than we expected, and how we've paid off our highest interest/high balance credit card in full!

I'd probably gloat a little about the fact that today we ordered my iPhone 4S in white, of course, and how I can't wait to destroy my current "smartphone" by smashing it to pieces.  Yes, I'm really going to do that.

And then of course the conversation would probably move toward some of the minor struggles I've had over the last couple of weeks….

I'd share that…

It is hard to admit to myself that my daughter (my sweet little baby) is now 2.  And I secretly hate the fact that we took away her pacifiers the other night, even though she is doing fine without them.

I felt awful that she ended up getting her blood drawn on her birthday and how they couldn't get her vein to stop rolling so she had to get poked in both arms.  I wanted to punch the nurse, and cry too, but of course had to be strong and reassuring while she looked at me with those big tear-filled brown eyes.

I would tell you how I haven't quite got back into the swing of things with my blog or other projects, and that I am allowing myself to be okay with that for now.  Time away is good for regrouping and refocusing, always.

If we were to have coffee today, this is probably the point where I'd grow a little quiet and seem a bit distant, as I stripped away the layers and moved closer to the deeper things going on in my heart.

I would probably get a little choked up as I told you…

How the last two weeks I was convinced that I was pregnant again.

That I had all of the normal symptoms I had with Zion…that I couldn't wait to test myself yesterday, only to find that I was not pregnant, and then shortly thereafter have confirmation of that.

Then I would tell you how I'm afraid that I won't get pregnant again easily…how I'm worried about running out of time.  How my dream of having a big family seems like it may not come true after all.

I'd probably finish by saying, I still trust God, and know that He has perfect timing…and that I will still rest in that and believe and hope despite how I currently feel.

I'd then tell you how terrified I am about what God is currently doing in my life…all of it good…but incredibly scary for me.

I would tell you…

How I got asked to speak at a conference and said yes, even though every part of me wanted to say no, because I knew it was God's will.

I would tell you that I am more nervous about delivering the right message than I am about the actual public speaking, even though that part terrifies me a little bit too.

I would tell you that I know I will never be the same after sharing this part of my story…because once it is out there…well…there is no turning back…no more secrets.  I'd also tell you that I know this is part of God's plan to bring greater healing and wholeness to my life, yes, but also to the lives of others.

I'd finish probably by apologizing for talking the whole time and not letting you get much of a word in, and I'd thank you for being there for me, for praying with me, for encouraging me, for being a part of my life.

Lastly, I'd ask you to come and share a cup of coffee with me again…sooner than later…and promise to listen more than talk this next time around.




Linking up with Alissa & Dana.

{Crazy Hair}

Striking similarity!?

We took this the other morning…

Zion's hair was in rare form.

When Jerry mentioned she had Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka hair, 

I couldn't resist but put the two of them side by side.

In other news…

It's going to be a bit quiet around here this week,

my in-laws are coming in from Ohio.

And we'll be mourning celebrating 

Zion's 2nd Birthday!

I will miss you while I'm taking a break!  

I'll be back soon, 

but in the meantime,

why not check out some 

oldies but goodies:

Zion's Rainbow 2nd Birthday Party Pin-spirations

Lessons Learned in Seasons of Lack

5 DIY Fancy Coffee Drinks

12 Days of Delish

Reflections

No Safe Place 

Battling Through

Mothering a Daughter

As May kicks off, I'm reflecting on my relationship with Zion.  She turns 2 on the 15th!  I can't believe how quickly it has gone by.  I'm sharing a bit about what I look forward to as the mother of a daughter, I originally posted this on Kristina's blog last month. 
Also, I'm taking a trip back to early motherhood over at Like A Bird, while Kendra is enjoying her time getting to know and falling madly in love with her precious newborn baby boy, Jeff!  Be sure to stop over there and congratulate her!


It is such a privilege and a responsibility to raise a daughter. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I can't tell you how happy I am that I had a daughter first.  She has opened my heart in ways I never imagined possible.  There are so many things I want for her to experience and enjoy in her life.

As her imagination begins to flourish, I look forward to creating a dress-up box for her; filling it with play clothes and old high-heels.  I look forward to watching her try on necklaces and jewelry, tiaras and heels.

I look forward to her begging me and the hubs for ballet lessons, or other dance lessons.  And watching her twirl in a little tutu in front of us.  She loves twirling already, and any form of dance makes her face light up.
via Kasey Albano
I look forward to passing on my love of baking.  Spending countless hours trying new recipes, licking the spoons and delighting in our creations.

I look forward to hair cuts and dyes and all kinds of hair style experiments.  She has such beautiful soft curls, and I am so excited to see her hair as it grows longer and she is able to do more with it.

I look forward to her being a little older so that we can travel as a family to Israel, and experience our faith in a fresh and inspirational way.  We're planning our trip for next year!

I look forward to shopping trips, where we can chat about our love of shoes, try on new outfits and sip our fancy coffee drinks together.

I look forward to her first roller coaster ride and visits to amusement parks, theme parks and other fun resorts!  We have family in Orlando, so Disney World seems like a great option in the near future!

I look forward to teaching her how to apply make-up, and doing her make-up for special occasions.

I look forward to learning all of her dreams and desires, her passions and purposes.  I look forward to watching her run confidently in their direction.

I look forward to all the major life events, achievements and milestones she will reach in her life.  I look forward to throwing huge celebrations every step of the way and being her number one fan, always.

And most importantly, what I look forward to the most, is her recognizing what Jesus did for us all, and fully embracing the gift of salvation and grace that is offered to her.

All images except photograph of Courtney & Zion with permission via Stock.Xchng

{To Love & To Cherish}What I Wore

All Photos above by Josh Belt All Photos below by Anson Gessel Wedding Photography (no longer in business)

{v.16}

Progress! Points! & Pressing On!

Measurements:Chest: 34"Arms: 10"Waist: 24.5" (-.5")Hips/Butt: 36" (-.5")Thighs: 20.5" (-.5") 

Weight Lost Since Last Weigh-in: 3 pounds!!

Total Weight Lost: 27 pounds

Inches Lost This Week: 1.5 inches

Total Inches Lost: 37 inches

Points Earned:

This Week: 65

Points Balance: 437!! 

(Only 63 Points Away from $250!)

I haven't exercised since my last check-in.  And I've had dessert…lots of it.  And other miscellaneous treats.  I am still losing weight (as you can see).  I've decided that for now until I reach my goal weight and/or ideal weight I'm going to remain active, but not follow any specific workout regimen.

I've been super busy and feel so much better not exercising on this plan.  I think that my calorie deficit was just too great.  I am now feeling very energized again and have been getting tons of things done!

I have something exciting I just have to share with you today.  I LOVE RUNNING.  No, really, I do.  My husband has asked me before what exercise I love best, and it has always been running…and not just a couple miles here and there.  I love distance running.  Since having Zion, I haven't been able to really figure out how to work it back into my life.

It has always been a dream of mine to run a marathon and this year I even mentioned I'd like to run a half-marathon (trying to be realistic on what is doable this year!).  The only solution to my dilemma has been to get a jogging stroller.  I've had my eyes set on a B.O.B. for a while, but in all honestly, it has been very near the bottom on the list of other financial priorities for us.

A few months ago, I just sort of came to the conclusion that running was out for now.  I remember I said this little half-serious prayer, "God, I know it isn't a necessity…but…if there is a way you can give me one of these strollers…"  So tonight, I was finally catching up on emails and got a message from a friend who just happened to be thinking of me, and asked if I would like to have this:

Not only is it a B.O.B. Jogging Stroller, it is in the Yellow color that I wanted!! How awesome is God!?  She had no idea I'd even been wanting one.  I get to pick it up on Tuesday and I'm ridiculously excited!

This Week:

I'm proud of these choices:

I've been really focused on making sure I eat all the meals I am supposed to eat.  

I've been sticking to my every 2-2.5 hour eating schedule.

I'd like to work more on:

Drinking half my body weight in ounces of water.

Eating all 6-7 of my daily mini meals. 

Okay so I don't NEED to eat dessert every night.  LOL.

I totally cheated when:

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have cake, pie, ice cream…lol.  So bad.

How did you do this week?

Want to catch up on my weight loss journey?

Muffintop Meltdown V.1-V.15