Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 30
Life in Stills
Life in Stills
Thursday, January 24
Sojourn in the Valley
Sojourn in the Valley
I originally shared this post over at my friend Kim's blog, but feel like it makes sense to post it here now, so you all know where I'm at/where I've been.
Over the last year or so of my life I've been focused on coming out of a huge denial about painful things I'd experienced early in my life. As a result of my inward focus, I have been able to finally start working through the pain, accepting it, grieving, processing and taking small steps forward from it. I have also learned that perhaps a season of deep introspection can be necessary and vital but it is important not to remain stuck in this place for too long.
At some point in dealing with grief you reach a place where you realize that God is not going to take away your pain...at least not in the way our hearts desire. I recently heard this great quote by a Christian Psychologist, "We want God to take away our fear, remove our pain and provide a reasonably pleasant life. But God wants to meet us in our pain, and comfort us with himself." As soon as I heard these words it was as if God himself was speaking them to me.
I had been praying and hoping that I would somehow reach the end of my pain. And as a result I've been sort of limping my way through life, putting most things on hold in order to wait for the pain to go away. And in this waiting my focus has been mostly on the pain, mostly on my feelings, mostly on my memories, and when you are this focused on the struggle, the solution is almost completely hidden from your view.
On the way home from Thanksgiving I started to realize that God was working on my heart, a lot. He was nudging me away from focusing on all the pain and trouble and remembering to keep my eyes on the one who could provide the comfort, peace and healing that I need, Him. My husband and I had plenty of time to talk about this on our nine hour drive home from Ohio. He wholeheartedly agreed that it was getting to be the time that I should start focusing on the solution and less on the problem.
In many ways my faith walk recently has been stifled, as I've faced doubt and uncertainty as my protective shield of denial has cracked and fallen. I've had anger pouring out of my soul that burns white hot, often sending me into a state of rage then panic when triggered. I've been scared of who I am, and what I am doing in my life. And I've been afraid to take these very raw and painful emotions to God. I've been scared to admit that I'm angry with God for not intervening to prevent the abuse I suffered as a child. Even though I know that God will not take away free will...even though I know that God orchestrated freedom from those who hurt me later in life. Even though He has been with me and never left my side through it all...and yet it still hurts to know that some one's choice to sin against me could leave me so deeply wounded.
That person's choice has had an impact on every aspect of my adult life, from the way I relate to my husband and others, to the way I parent my child.
And now my focus has to shift because there is one who is so much greater than the one who wounded me, and I made the choice to believe and put my faith in Him. And now, that choice is the one that will make a much greater impact on my life going forward. I am choosing to now look to my God, my savior and trust in Him to meet me in the midst of my pain. No longer am I praying for Him to take it all away, no, I am praying that He would use my pain for His purpose, that He would help me find joy and peace in the midst of the sorrow. That He would teach me to be a Godly woman, deep in compassion and overflowing with grace, mercy and forgiveness.
As I approached the Christmas holiday, I focused on the gift that I've already received in Jesus. And that means my eyes are now on the solution. My eyes will magnify the great and glorious God that has loved me from the beginning, accepts me in all my brokenness and promises to never leave my side.
I've missed you all terribly, but what can I say - I've been sojourning in the valley for a while and just starting to begin my climb up from below. I'm back and will be bringing you up to date soon with lots of really fantastic things coming this way this year in our lives.
This week there will be a lot of catch up work on this blog - things might be a little hectic in terms of layout/design/etc. plus I have a few reviews I need to post, stick around anyway and watch me as BaxtronLife evolves!
Over the last year or so of my life I've been focused on coming out of a huge denial about painful things I'd experienced early in my life. As a result of my inward focus, I have been able to finally start working through the pain, accepting it, grieving, processing and taking small steps forward from it. I have also learned that perhaps a season of deep introspection can be necessary and vital but it is important not to remain stuck in this place for too long.
At some point in dealing with grief you reach a place where you realize that God is not going to take away your pain...at least not in the way our hearts desire. I recently heard this great quote by a Christian Psychologist, "We want God to take away our fear, remove our pain and provide a reasonably pleasant life. But God wants to meet us in our pain, and comfort us with himself." As soon as I heard these words it was as if God himself was speaking them to me.
I had been praying and hoping that I would somehow reach the end of my pain. And as a result I've been sort of limping my way through life, putting most things on hold in order to wait for the pain to go away. And in this waiting my focus has been mostly on the pain, mostly on my feelings, mostly on my memories, and when you are this focused on the struggle, the solution is almost completely hidden from your view.
On the way home from Thanksgiving I started to realize that God was working on my heart, a lot. He was nudging me away from focusing on all the pain and trouble and remembering to keep my eyes on the one who could provide the comfort, peace and healing that I need, Him. My husband and I had plenty of time to talk about this on our nine hour drive home from Ohio. He wholeheartedly agreed that it was getting to be the time that I should start focusing on the solution and less on the problem.
In many ways my faith walk recently has been stifled, as I've faced doubt and uncertainty as my protective shield of denial has cracked and fallen. I've had anger pouring out of my soul that burns white hot, often sending me into a state of rage then panic when triggered. I've been scared of who I am, and what I am doing in my life. And I've been afraid to take these very raw and painful emotions to God. I've been scared to admit that I'm angry with God for not intervening to prevent the abuse I suffered as a child. Even though I know that God will not take away free will...even though I know that God orchestrated freedom from those who hurt me later in life. Even though He has been with me and never left my side through it all...and yet it still hurts to know that some one's choice to sin against me could leave me so deeply wounded.
That person's choice has had an impact on every aspect of my adult life, from the way I relate to my husband and others, to the way I parent my child.
And now my focus has to shift because there is one who is so much greater than the one who wounded me, and I made the choice to believe and put my faith in Him. And now, that choice is the one that will make a much greater impact on my life going forward. I am choosing to now look to my God, my savior and trust in Him to meet me in the midst of my pain. No longer am I praying for Him to take it all away, no, I am praying that He would use my pain for His purpose, that He would help me find joy and peace in the midst of the sorrow. That He would teach me to be a Godly woman, deep in compassion and overflowing with grace, mercy and forgiveness.
As I approached the Christmas holiday, I focused on the gift that I've already received in Jesus. And that means my eyes are now on the solution. My eyes will magnify the great and glorious God that has loved me from the beginning, accepts me in all my brokenness and promises to never leave my side.
I've missed you all terribly, but what can I say - I've been sojourning in the valley for a while and just starting to begin my climb up from below. I'm back and will be bringing you up to date soon with lots of really fantastic things coming this way this year in our lives.
This week there will be a lot of catch up work on this blog - things might be a little hectic in terms of layout/design/etc. plus I have a few reviews I need to post, stick around anyway and watch me as BaxtronLife evolves!
Visit this Extra Lovely Blogger:
Monday, October 22
Repressed Memories
Repressed Memories
Trigger Warning: Some of the stories and information shared may trigger unexpected emotional reactions or responses, therefore please read with caution. If you do experience a strong reaction - connect with someone you trust who can help you process your reaction.
I was three in this picture. I remember this Halloween well. I was going to be a witch. I had this adorable witch costume with an adorable little broom. I remember my biological father decorating my broom with black electrical tape spiraled up the broom handle, and I remember being extremely angry when he took the broom and pretended to use it as a guitar. I remember being so angry in fact, that I refused to carry the broom with me on halloween - I wanted nothing to do with it. Totally irrational toddler feelings - yet feelings that were significant enough to me that I still vividly remember them.
Its interesting to think about how our memories are stored in early childhood. How is it that some memories can seem crystal clear - vividly stored and imprinted in our hearts and minds, while others seem to escape us? How are some memories classified and stored manageably while others are pushed into the outer reaches of our psyche to protect us from their harm? How young is really too young to remember?
Until the last few years, I experienced large blank spaces in my childhood memories. Not just spotty memories of being three, significant blackouts in memory throughout most of my childhood until becoming a pre-teen. As a teenager I experienced more than the typical emotional upheaval - my heart bled through my adolescent years as I experienced pain and a drowning sadness that seemed to envelope me no matter what was occurring in my life.
I struggled through daily life into my early 20's hitting rock bottom several times before recognizing the hand of grace being extended to me. Even after I had witnessed and experienced Christ's saving grace in my life, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come as my 20's came to an end.
It was in the security and stability of my marriage at 27 years of age that things started to unravel. I couldn't understand why I began to experience violent emotions and a near hatred for men. The hardest part was feeling that I couldn't seem to emotionally separate my husband from the men who had caused me harm in my life. And it was at this point in time that my eyes began to open. I was desperate to honor and respect this man, my husband, broken in his own ways but not the perpetrator of the crimes I began to subconsciously hold him accountable for.
Whether I wanted to face the past or not, I no longer had a choice, as my repressed childhood memories began to surface in unpredictable ways. I have to pause for a minute here and share that one of the most difficult parts of processing what has been going on with me over the past few years has been the inability to trust in my memories. Memory repression is the subject of controversy - with several studies showing outcomes as divided as the current political beliefs of our nation.
I had to get to a point of a decision - to proceed open-minded to what was happening to me, willing to allow my memories to form cohesively without judgment - or to just refuse to acknowledge the overwhelming amount of evidence that was beginning to stack up in favor of my fragmented memories. I chose to remain open minded - and began the process of facing honestly the wounds of my past.
I wish I could say that what I experienced were flashbacks - like the ones you see in the movies. Vivid, clear - undeniable memory intrusions bursting forward from a certain trigger. But it wasn't like that for me, it hasn't been like that. Instead, I have experienced emotions that seem to come out of nowhere - at an intensity that has terrified me and at times my husband.
I have experienced fear and terror, the emptiness of the bottomless pit of depression and despair and unrelenting sadness. The uniqueness of these emotions is their inability to be tied to any present day event, and the inability to process them with my adult reasoning/coping mechanisms. It is hard to explain, but it has been like experiencing these overwhelming emotions as a young child with undeveloped coping skills and zero rationalization. I have also experienced physical memory recovery - I fear more of this is yet to come.
When such things are happening to you, it is nearly impossible to accept the audacious idea that there is no grounding in true memory - or that somehow these repressed memories are figments of the imagination as some studies would claim. And yet, the doubts that those claims place on an individual who begins to remember what they have buried, are enough to make you wish even more so that you could bury deeper the reality that desires to surface.
I was only three when my anger over such an irrational thing as a broomstick caused a permanent mark in my memory. I was around the same age when the abuse - too terrifying to acknowledge in the moment - was locked away in my memory, the key buried only to surface decades later - when the courage to unlock the past and the desperation to reclaim the future began to demand the attention of the present.
 |
| Halloween 1984 |
Its interesting to think about how our memories are stored in early childhood. How is it that some memories can seem crystal clear - vividly stored and imprinted in our hearts and minds, while others seem to escape us? How are some memories classified and stored manageably while others are pushed into the outer reaches of our psyche to protect us from their harm? How young is really too young to remember?
Until the last few years, I experienced large blank spaces in my childhood memories. Not just spotty memories of being three, significant blackouts in memory throughout most of my childhood until becoming a pre-teen. As a teenager I experienced more than the typical emotional upheaval - my heart bled through my adolescent years as I experienced pain and a drowning sadness that seemed to envelope me no matter what was occurring in my life.
I struggled through daily life into my early 20's hitting rock bottom several times before recognizing the hand of grace being extended to me. Even after I had witnessed and experienced Christ's saving grace in my life, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come as my 20's came to an end.
It was in the security and stability of my marriage at 27 years of age that things started to unravel. I couldn't understand why I began to experience violent emotions and a near hatred for men. The hardest part was feeling that I couldn't seem to emotionally separate my husband from the men who had caused me harm in my life. And it was at this point in time that my eyes began to open. I was desperate to honor and respect this man, my husband, broken in his own ways but not the perpetrator of the crimes I began to subconsciously hold him accountable for.
Whether I wanted to face the past or not, I no longer had a choice, as my repressed childhood memories began to surface in unpredictable ways. I have to pause for a minute here and share that one of the most difficult parts of processing what has been going on with me over the past few years has been the inability to trust in my memories. Memory repression is the subject of controversy - with several studies showing outcomes as divided as the current political beliefs of our nation.
I had to get to a point of a decision - to proceed open-minded to what was happening to me, willing to allow my memories to form cohesively without judgment - or to just refuse to acknowledge the overwhelming amount of evidence that was beginning to stack up in favor of my fragmented memories. I chose to remain open minded - and began the process of facing honestly the wounds of my past.
I wish I could say that what I experienced were flashbacks - like the ones you see in the movies. Vivid, clear - undeniable memory intrusions bursting forward from a certain trigger. But it wasn't like that for me, it hasn't been like that. Instead, I have experienced emotions that seem to come out of nowhere - at an intensity that has terrified me and at times my husband.
I have experienced fear and terror, the emptiness of the bottomless pit of depression and despair and unrelenting sadness. The uniqueness of these emotions is their inability to be tied to any present day event, and the inability to process them with my adult reasoning/coping mechanisms. It is hard to explain, but it has been like experiencing these overwhelming emotions as a young child with undeveloped coping skills and zero rationalization. I have also experienced physical memory recovery - I fear more of this is yet to come.
When such things are happening to you, it is nearly impossible to accept the audacious idea that there is no grounding in true memory - or that somehow these repressed memories are figments of the imagination as some studies would claim. And yet, the doubts that those claims place on an individual who begins to remember what they have buried, are enough to make you wish even more so that you could bury deeper the reality that desires to surface.
I was only three when my anger over such an irrational thing as a broomstick caused a permanent mark in my memory. I was around the same age when the abuse - too terrifying to acknowledge in the moment - was locked away in my memory, the key buried only to surface decades later - when the courage to unlock the past and the desperation to reclaim the future began to demand the attention of the present.
Tuesday, October 16
How Real is Too Real for Blogging?
How Real is Too Real for Blogging?
One of my favorite lovelies that I met through blogging started a new link up recently and I decided today was the day to take the plunge and join her.
Change can be a scary thing - even when it is desperately needed. It takes a lot of energy to make positive lasting changes. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are unsatisfied with where you've ended up in life. And don't forget the humility that is needed when you have to face the music that your own choices have led you to where you are (most of the time).
After just over a year of blogging, I have been stretched in ways I never imagined I would be. In typical progressive fashion I've moved from being a newbie "Hello World, it's me Courtney" blogger to a overzealous socialite - "linky party every day please!" - to a "please follow me (you could win this special prize)" blogger, and then finally to the awkward - holy cow batman I'm in burnout mode and my family is ready to give me a blogging ultimatum, just to eventually end up here in this place.
What is this place? The place where I am ready to change it up in a dramatic, terrifying and bold way! The change I'm ready to make in my life is being really real - I mean not the kind of real that says "hey I was fake before" but the kind that says you know, "I have a purpose in this community for something and I'm going to walk into that purpose regardless of the followers I'll have six months from now" - because it is authentically my voice, and I've found it.
I have a story to tell and I'm going to start telling it. Originally I thought it would be too difficult - too dark for me to share my story on this blog - because I long desperately to share nothing but happiness - like a Hollywood ending I want to re-write my story so that it is all sunshine and roses. But this isn't Hollywood, this is the place I have been given to share my testimony boldly - because someone out there needs to hear my story. Because someone out there shares my story - and they need to know they are not alone.
I was recently inspired by the tweets happening about the Influence conference. The thing that was really amazing is that, as much as I longed to have been there, I felt God's stirring in my heart the whole time the conference was going on, pushing me to start using my voice for Him. I heard Him urging me to be courageous and not afraid of sharing my journey with you. And honestly, I can't think of anything more freeing than just opening up and beginning to tell you, without being so vague, what I've been through - and how God has been my strength despite very challenging circumstances.
Some of what I am going to share going forward is going to be extremely difficult for me to open up about, not just because of how it has effected my life, but because I have protected the people who have hurt me by a very detrimental form of denial - a denial that has been broken down completely over the last couple of years, in a process that has shaken me to my very core. I will always always speak with humility, love and compassion for those who have hurt me - but I will not deny the truth of the pain they have caused. Nor will I deny the truth of the pain I have caused others in my own brokenness.
Don't think for one minute that my blog will all of the sudden be a dark and dreary place, because that wouldn't be accurate of my life either. It will just be a more vulnerable place - one that shares the good as well as the bad - but hopefully never leaves you discouraged. It will be a safe place to talk about pain and engage in meaningful community in regards to some of the darkness that plagues our world today, but it will still be a place of celebration of the things I love as well.
What is the change I want to see? What is the life I want to live? Who is the person I want to be?
I want to live immersed in the freedom and love of a flourishing relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and no longer frozen in the pain of my past. I want my life to be abounding in supernatural grace and love - to be a person who has joy in the midst of sorrow, who can stand firm on the rock and not be beaten and battered by the storms of life. I want more of Him and less of me.
I want to laugh and smile and dance again - releasing the weight of my worries and heartaches to the one who has already come to set me free. I want to encourage others who have experienced painful childhood wounds by walking through the healing process openly.
Change can be a scary thing - even when it is desperately needed. It takes a lot of energy to make positive lasting changes. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are unsatisfied with where you've ended up in life. And don't forget the humility that is needed when you have to face the music that your own choices have led you to where you are (most of the time).
After just over a year of blogging, I have been stretched in ways I never imagined I would be. In typical progressive fashion I've moved from being a newbie "Hello World, it's me Courtney" blogger to a overzealous socialite - "linky party every day please!" - to a "please follow me (you could win this special prize)" blogger, and then finally to the awkward - holy cow batman I'm in burnout mode and my family is ready to give me a blogging ultimatum, just to eventually end up here in this place.
What is this place? The place where I am ready to change it up in a dramatic, terrifying and bold way! The change I'm ready to make in my life is being really real - I mean not the kind of real that says "hey I was fake before" but the kind that says you know, "I have a purpose in this community for something and I'm going to walk into that purpose regardless of the followers I'll have six months from now" - because it is authentically my voice, and I've found it.
I have a story to tell and I'm going to start telling it. Originally I thought it would be too difficult - too dark for me to share my story on this blog - because I long desperately to share nothing but happiness - like a Hollywood ending I want to re-write my story so that it is all sunshine and roses. But this isn't Hollywood, this is the place I have been given to share my testimony boldly - because someone out there needs to hear my story. Because someone out there shares my story - and they need to know they are not alone.
I was recently inspired by the tweets happening about the Influence conference. The thing that was really amazing is that, as much as I longed to have been there, I felt God's stirring in my heart the whole time the conference was going on, pushing me to start using my voice for Him. I heard Him urging me to be courageous and not afraid of sharing my journey with you. And honestly, I can't think of anything more freeing than just opening up and beginning to tell you, without being so vague, what I've been through - and how God has been my strength despite very challenging circumstances.
Some of what I am going to share going forward is going to be extremely difficult for me to open up about, not just because of how it has effected my life, but because I have protected the people who have hurt me by a very detrimental form of denial - a denial that has been broken down completely over the last couple of years, in a process that has shaken me to my very core. I will always always speak with humility, love and compassion for those who have hurt me - but I will not deny the truth of the pain they have caused. Nor will I deny the truth of the pain I have caused others in my own brokenness.
Don't think for one minute that my blog will all of the sudden be a dark and dreary place, because that wouldn't be accurate of my life either. It will just be a more vulnerable place - one that shares the good as well as the bad - but hopefully never leaves you discouraged. It will be a safe place to talk about pain and engage in meaningful community in regards to some of the darkness that plagues our world today, but it will still be a place of celebration of the things I love as well.
What is the change I want to see? What is the life I want to live? Who is the person I want to be?
I want to live immersed in the freedom and love of a flourishing relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and no longer frozen in the pain of my past. I want my life to be abounding in supernatural grace and love - to be a person who has joy in the midst of sorrow, who can stand firm on the rock and not be beaten and battered by the storms of life. I want more of Him and less of me.
I want to laugh and smile and dance again - releasing the weight of my worries and heartaches to the one who has already come to set me free. I want to encourage others who have experienced painful childhood wounds by walking through the healing process openly.
This Post Sponsored By:
Friday, October 12
Fridays Letters
Fridays Letters
I really love Friday's letters posts - so even though I don't do them regularly, I always love the chance to participate! So here goes!
Dearest Husband - even though marriage is no piece of cake - it is worth every single moment of time, energy, stress, joy - to be married to YOU. I can't even begin to tell you in words what you mean to me. I just know that God specifically planned for us to be together - and I'm in awe of how many times he has confirmed that in some small detail that only I could appreciate. This week you really encouraged me and challenged me in a way that I pushed me to be a better person, and I am incredibly grateful. I love you.
Dear Darling Daughter - last week you surprised me by grabbing my hand in the car, unexpectedly and telling me that I was your best friend. I could cry just thinking of the times where I have been so terrified that I have failed you in some way. If you could only know how important it is to me to be the mother you need in your life - to be there for you and love on you, and how that simple statement made me feel. You are such a joy in my life - I'm working hard to heal the pain in my heart so I can be fully present in your life - always, thank you for showing me God's grace and love.
Dear Gluten - I gave you up for a while - and you know what - I've realized how bad you are for me. I mean, you literally make me sick. Now, I may have relapsed on you in the past 24 hours but I've decided you aren't worth it. I thought I loved bread. But I love not feeling bloated more. And I love that I'm not fighting acne as much and that I feel better over all since eliminating you. So, I'm breaking up with you for good. No on-again, off-again. You just aren't good for me. It's definitely you, not me.
Dear Costume party - What the heck am I going to wear to you!? I'm not in my 20's anymore so you can bet I'm not comfortable buying one of those ridiculously immodest costumes that that seem to be the majority of what is offered now-a-days. I was thinking maybe a Gold-Digger? But maybe a Greek Goddess? Maybe Athena - you know, I am a wise old maid. ;)
Dear Trader Joes Pumpkin [Anything] - Damn you are so good! I mean I just want to make a special trip to restock my cupboard with you - especially Pumpkin Spice Chai Latte mix - oh my goodness!!
Dear Starbucks - I love you - you have been faithful to me out here in this city of Coffee-water, but I cheated on you today and it felt, amazing. There is a local place in my hood called Cafe Bunni - and wow - their Salted Caramel Mocha put yours to shame - not to mention how the foam heart design carefully crafted by their barista won me over. I'm concerned for you. But don't be too threatened, I mean, you are still winning by location.
Dear Carpal Tunnel - Thank you for calming down. Your rage was really difficult to deal with, and now that you have calmed a bit, I'm able to once again enjoy all of life. Now, can you pretty please stay calm going forward?
Dear Politics - I really do want to care about you, but I have lost all faith in your ability to mean anything. I mean it doesn't matter who wins - the other party will just screw all your efforts while you are in office, and inevitably you will accomplish nothing you have promised. Until both parties can learn to work together and stop being so hatefully divided things are just going to be ugly and pointless. Its sad what you have become - and worthy of ridicule.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
Dearest Husband - even though marriage is no piece of cake - it is worth every single moment of time, energy, stress, joy - to be married to YOU. I can't even begin to tell you in words what you mean to me. I just know that God specifically planned for us to be together - and I'm in awe of how many times he has confirmed that in some small detail that only I could appreciate. This week you really encouraged me and challenged me in a way that I pushed me to be a better person, and I am incredibly grateful. I love you.
Dear Darling Daughter - last week you surprised me by grabbing my hand in the car, unexpectedly and telling me that I was your best friend. I could cry just thinking of the times where I have been so terrified that I have failed you in some way. If you could only know how important it is to me to be the mother you need in your life - to be there for you and love on you, and how that simple statement made me feel. You are such a joy in my life - I'm working hard to heal the pain in my heart so I can be fully present in your life - always, thank you for showing me God's grace and love.
Dear Gluten - I gave you up for a while - and you know what - I've realized how bad you are for me. I mean, you literally make me sick. Now, I may have relapsed on you in the past 24 hours but I've decided you aren't worth it. I thought I loved bread. But I love not feeling bloated more. And I love that I'm not fighting acne as much and that I feel better over all since eliminating you. So, I'm breaking up with you for good. No on-again, off-again. You just aren't good for me. It's definitely you, not me.
Dear Costume party - What the heck am I going to wear to you!? I'm not in my 20's anymore so you can bet I'm not comfortable buying one of those ridiculously immodest costumes that that seem to be the majority of what is offered now-a-days. I was thinking maybe a Gold-Digger? But maybe a Greek Goddess? Maybe Athena - you know, I am a wise old maid. ;)
Dear Trader Joes Pumpkin [Anything] - Damn you are so good! I mean I just want to make a special trip to restock my cupboard with you - especially Pumpkin Spice Chai Latte mix - oh my goodness!!
Dear Starbucks - I love you - you have been faithful to me out here in this city of Coffee-water, but I cheated on you today and it felt, amazing. There is a local place in my hood called Cafe Bunni - and wow - their Salted Caramel Mocha put yours to shame - not to mention how the foam heart design carefully crafted by their barista won me over. I'm concerned for you. But don't be too threatened, I mean, you are still winning by location.
Dear Carpal Tunnel - Thank you for calming down. Your rage was really difficult to deal with, and now that you have calmed a bit, I'm able to once again enjoy all of life. Now, can you pretty please stay calm going forward?
Dear Politics - I really do want to care about you, but I have lost all faith in your ability to mean anything. I mean it doesn't matter who wins - the other party will just screw all your efforts while you are in office, and inevitably you will accomplish nothing you have promised. Until both parties can learn to work together and stop being so hatefully divided things are just going to be ugly and pointless. Its sad what you have become - and worthy of ridicule.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
This Post Sponsored By:
Tuesday, October 9
A Heart Gone Wandering...
A Heart Gone Wandering...
This past month has been challenging - and whereas the past several months have been no piece of cake, each new month seems to stack up the challenges upon each other leaving me stretched thin and weary.
I have been open about my faith as a Christian here on my blog, but I haven't been open about the challenges of keeping that faith. In the past year of my life, everything that I have so passionately believed in has been questioned and put under the greatest battle of soul and spirit that I can describe.
My relationship with God has been at times marred by anger and resentment, at other times pushed so far away that only a God who is omnipresent and fiercely willing could break through the icy walls I've built up. In my spirit - I believe with everything - in the God of all creation - in his perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for the redemption of all humanity. But in my soul I experience violent opposition to trusting Him with my life.
I'm about to get very real with you - so brace yourself - I recently had a major life breakthrough - one that was critical - one that was orchestrated beautifully by the hand of God. I woke up from a denial about things I experienced as a child at the hands of the two human beings entrusted with my care.
For over 20 years of my life I coped with life by creating a fantasy in my mind - a disillusioned perspective on the world - one that minimized pain, fear, anxiety and reality. One that minimized real evil in the world. You see, real evil didn't exist in my reality - it couldn't. And so it was easy to see God in his perfect goodness and not question or doubt Him.
Its not that I didn't believe in evil - but I believed in it the same way as I believe in monsters in scary movies. It freaks me out, I push it to the side believing it couldn't possibly be like that in real life.
But, now I know that real evil exists. Because I was the recipient of real evil. And that evil has had its mangy filthy claws in my flesh for the past two and a half decades. And it is that evil that I am battling daily - that I am fighting for dear life to escape from.
My daily battle is one of learning to live in reality - no longer minimizing the hurtful things I have experienced, no longer protecting the people who were supposed to have loved me. Instead I am allowing the unprocessed pain to wash over me, tidal wave by tidal wave.
Hoping that as I surrender to reality, I will find the continued strength to choose to believe rather than doubt in God's love for me.
Hoping I can believe in the goodness of God as much as I now believe in real evil in this world.
Hoping that one day this storm will pass and I will again be able to see the sun shining above me.
Hoping that one day there will be no more buried pain - just the freedom of being healed by God's great love, so that I can encourage those who have been or will be just waking up from their own fantasy.
This blog has always been a place for me to share my life - and to write from my heart - I haven't been able to do that lately as much as I'd like to, but hopefully you will understand how heavy my heart has been, and know I am still here and still care for each and every one of you!
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Wednesday, October 3
10.3.12
The Wrap
10.3.12
The Wrap
Seems like forever ago that I posted some of the images of our life in the city. My recent slew of fun - carpal tunnel, Zion having a cold, Hubs endless studying has made it less convenient to post whenever I want, but its been really good at the same time. Here are some images from life over the past few weeks.
Now that we're caught up. How are you? How has your week been so far?
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