Overwhelmed

It has been a while since I just wrote from my heart on this blog.  Perhaps too long, but I've got a million good reasons why.  Right now, I'm feeling upset and overwhelmed - and so I'm here to unload a bit, but - you should know - this is more for me than it is for you.

Life in general can be such a daily challenge.  I mean, seriously, you would think - given the fact that I am doing what I always wanted/dreamed of doing - that I would be able to find daily joy and contentment.  That somehow exuberant energy would rise from within me and push me through my days tasks.

But it doesn't work like that.  And its outright disappointing.  I have so much to be grateful for - I really do.  I have a loving husband - who is hard working - dedicated - and wants to spend time with me.  I have a beautiful daughter who is practically attached to my hip everywhere I go.  And then I have a God who loves me unconditionally - in all my brokenness.  And I am grateful.

Yet, I find myself thoroughly exhausted...overwhelmed...beat up in this life.  I find myself wanting to constantly escape into a mind-numbing social media black hole or a few minutes-turned hours of fidgeting with my iPhone.  If I'm being completely honest - I find myself wanting and desiring to be completely selfish with my time and energy.

Circumstances do play into this - but it isn't the heart of the matter.  Sure, my husband has been away on business plus studying for his CPA for what seems like an eternity.  Yes, my daughter has been miserably sick and waking me up all hours of the night.  Of course I'm still battling the long-term effects of post-traumatic shock - and dealing with all kinds of disturbing phenomena from that.  Even so, the truth is, my heart is full of rebellion.

My heart rebels against surrendering to the rest God has invited me into - I still try to do everything on my own terms - my own way.  My heart rebels against the safety and authority of my husband - still afraid to trust any man with my livelihood.  My heart even rebels against the constant demands of the little girl who made me a mother.  

I feel sometimes like it is all too much to bear.  How can I be so selfish to desire an escape?  My heart is burning with that question right now.  I feel trapped in an endless cycle - pain, exhaustion, and constantly being drained to empty - and then yelling and exploding, often at the people who I love more than anything in this world.  The endless yelling turns to endless guilt for my seeming inability to control my tone and volume - let alone my self.

At night the record plays on a loop: "what a horrible mother you've become...what a failure as a wife...will you ever get it right?...how dare you desire time for yourself...you are just like your mother...it is too late for you..."

Here at the end of my patience...I cry out for God to give me strength in my weakness - to somehow recharge me supernaturally.  Sleep hides from me, solace flees at my sight, but please, oh Lord, don't also run and hide.

I know some of you might think I am being too hard on myself.  Maybe to a degree I am.  Maybe I shouldn't expect so much of myself during this stressful time in our lives.  I mean, I have 3 days to pack for a 4 month trip to Alaska - and even though my husband will be home, he will be completely unavailable due to his test being on Monday...and my daughter is still sick.  But I do...I expect to be a better mom, a better wife...a better Christian.  But I am not.  I am a broken woman.  Desperate, tired and overwhelmed.  

And though I seem to have fallen into a pit, there is one thing that still remains.  A little mustard seed of faith that keeps me holding on, gripping desperately for the Lord, to be my "ever-present help in my time of trouble." (Psalm 46:1)

       

First Dance SongsWedding Slow Songs

Our First Dance

Bryan Adams & Barbara Streisand "I Finally Found Someone"

Jerry and I had a fantastic anniversary weekend!  

I can't wait to share the pictures here from the romantic surprise getaway he planned!

But first - this month - in honor of our anniversary, 

I asked my lovelies to share their "First Dance" songs.

I was actually really surprised by a couple answers!  

Check them out below!

 Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Flickr | Tumblr | HelloCotton | BlogLovin | SkinnyScoop

Blog | Twitter

Blog | Twitter | Facebook | Pinterest

Blog | Twitter | Instagram

What was your first dance song?

The Way I AmCreative Wedding Vows

To kick off our anniversary, thought I'd share one of the best parts of how we started out.

{Tending Your Marriage}Garden

I am not a gardener.

But, last Spring I decided throw a few seeds in a few pots, 

almost like a science experiment.

I hoped that perhaps some of them would grow.

My Father-in-Law also gave me a couple of Tomato plants.

They grew like cedar trees, tall and strong.

They flowered, filling me with visions of homemade salsa.

And then…

No fruit was found on them.

Gardening is not an easy task.  

I'm not even sure that I would claim to enjoy it,

but there is something in my nature that desires to do it, 

and to succeed at doing it.

Marriage is a lot like gardening.

For most of us, we start out with a grandiose vision of what our garden will look like.

We envision an abundance of brightly colored blooms,
all flourishing together under blue skies and sunshine.

But, often to our shock and dismay, we find ourselves frustrated by the lack of fruit we are producing.

Like gardening, Marriage takes hard dedicated work.

The work of humble hands and hearts.

When I look at the old weathered clay pots sitting on my patio, I am reminded of God's word.

We are the clay, you are the potter, we are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8

Each of us is like a clay pot being molded and shaped as we seek God in our lives.

In our Marriages we start as two clay pots,
but over time God allows us to be broken down and re-formed together into one.

As He fills us with the new fertile soil of His spirit living within us,
He gives us the responsibility to sow good seed.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Proverbs 18:21


We have a choice, we can either sow good seed into our marriage or bad seed.  

When we sow strife, discontent, misunderstanding, resentment and unforgiveness,
our marriage, like a delicate flower wilts and withers.

When we sow good seed: quality time, love and respect, empathy and compassion, and most of all, GRACE, our marriage produces new life.

How blessed we are to have God, the master Gardener,
to continually reveal to us the condition of our marriages by the fruit He brings forth.

How is your garden growing?

Are you seeing the fruit that you desire or is God revealing some weeds that need to be pulled out?

God wants your marriage to flourish like a beautiful garden, ripe with fruit.

by Alicia Jo McMahan

Invite Him into your garden today…

You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
Isaiah 58:11

Images used in this post have been licensed for my use with permission from their owners, 

please do not use these images without approval.

{To Love & To Cherish}What I Wore

All Photos above by Josh Belt All Photos below by Anson Gessel Wedding Photography (no longer in business)

Tending Your Marriage

I am not a gardener.

But, last Spring I decided throw a few seeds in a few pots, 

almost like a science experiment.

I hoped that perhaps some of them would grow.

Continue reading at The Fontenot Four blog…

Having Each Other's Back...

In case you missed this when I shared it on Dominique's Desk a couple of week's ago, I wanted to include this in my regular Faith Filled Marriage series.

I recently watched an episode of Up All Night, where Christina Applegate's character Reagan goes on a mean-spree through the airport in her stress of traveling with an infant, all the while her husband Chris, played by Will Arnett, follows behind her apologizing for her and trying to play it cool.

Source

At one point, Reagan just looks at her husband Chris, and asks him, "Why can't you just have my back?" It is a really great episode, and any parent who has travelled with small children will find it hilariously accurate and entertaining.

So, the other morning I woke up and went about my normal morning routine: make coffee, get breakfast going, pack a lunch, attempt to keep my daughter from getting into everything at the same time.  My husband had just come out of our bedroom, dressed quite handsomely for work, and my daughter was waving around the Swiffer sweeper like a dangerous baton.

As I'm busy trying to get his lunch together, behind me I hear a frustrated snap at my daughter and instantly, without much hesitation, mama bear rises up in me.  "Don't yell at her.  What did she do?"  I put my husband on the defensive, my daughter is upset.  She had smacked his clean pants with the dirty sweeper.  The morning ends with this statement, "Why can't you just let me be a parent, too?"

Ouch.  As the hubs left for work, without our usual loving good-bye, I felt the sting of truth.  I was instantly reminded of the episode I had just watched.  Why couldn't I have just had my husband's back?

My husband is an awesome father, one who loves his daughter so incredibly much.  And it is clear in everything he does that this is the case.  I have no reason to deny him my support when he does what he is supposed to do as a parent: discipline, correct, etc.  If I want to him to flourish in his role as a father, I have to give him my backing and support.

My encouragement to you today is: to stand by each other; have each other's backs.  As parents, we have such a difficult job, one that has its own unique challenges for both mothers and fathers.  We need each other to make it work well.  It doesn't stop at parenting either.  It is important in maintaining a strong marriage as well.

When you don't feel supported in something that is important to you, especially by the person who is closest to you, it can be a huge discouragement. Feeling unsupported is an issue that can fester, and you don’t want to find yourself seeking out experienced counselors when it’s an issue you and your partner could have taken charge of on your own.

I don't know what I'd do if my husband didn't support my passion to write, or my desire to lose weight.  It is his constant support and affirmation that spurs me on and gives me that extra "push" to not give up when things are tough.

As I reflect on that morning, I realize that I need to show my husband that I do have his back, and that I support him as a father.  Lesson learned.

How do you show your spouse that you have their back?  In what ways does your spouse show you?

Having Each Other's Backs...

I recently watched an episode of Up All Night, where Christina Applegate's character Reagan goes on a mean-spree through the airport in her stress of traveling with an infant, all the while her husband Chris, played by Will Arnett, follows behind her apologizing for her and trying to play it cool.

Source

At one point, Reagan just looks at her husband Chris, and asks him, "Why can't you just have my back?"

What I didn't expect is that, a couple days after watching this show, I was confronted with a similar sentiment from my husband.  Find out how it all went down over at Dominique's Desk, where I'm guest posting today!

Happy Birthday Handsomey-Handsome!

To my best friend, husband and love of my life,




This year, let your highest expectations be exceeded.  Dream big.


 

Take your strength, courage, energy and passion to the next level.  Live boldly.

 
Pause and enjoy life's treasures, hidden in each moment.  Laugh often.
 
Press ahead to the things before you, and not behind.  Live without regret.
 
We are with you every step of the way.
Happy Birthday!