Overwhelmed

It has been a while since I just wrote from my heart on this blog.  Perhaps too long, but I've got a million good reasons why.  Right now, I'm feeling upset and overwhelmed - and so I'm here to unload a bit, but - you should know - this is more for me than it is for you.

Life in general can be such a daily challenge.  I mean, seriously, you would think - given the fact that I am doing what I always wanted/dreamed of doing - that I would be able to find daily joy and contentment.  That somehow exuberant energy would rise from within me and push me through my days tasks.

But it doesn't work like that.  And its outright disappointing.  I have so much to be grateful for - I really do.  I have a loving husband - who is hard working - dedicated - and wants to spend time with me.  I have a beautiful daughter who is practically attached to my hip everywhere I go.  And then I have a God who loves me unconditionally - in all my brokenness.  And I am grateful.

Yet, I find myself thoroughly exhausted...overwhelmed...beat up in this life.  I find myself wanting to constantly escape into a mind-numbing social media black hole or a few minutes-turned hours of fidgeting with my iPhone.  If I'm being completely honest - I find myself wanting and desiring to be completely selfish with my time and energy.

Circumstances do play into this - but it isn't the heart of the matter.  Sure, my husband has been away on business plus studying for his CPA for what seems like an eternity.  Yes, my daughter has been miserably sick and waking me up all hours of the night.  Of course I'm still battling the long-term effects of post-traumatic shock - and dealing with all kinds of disturbing phenomena from that.  Even so, the truth is, my heart is full of rebellion.

My heart rebels against surrendering to the rest God has invited me into - I still try to do everything on my own terms - my own way.  My heart rebels against the safety and authority of my husband - still afraid to trust any man with my livelihood.  My heart even rebels against the constant demands of the little girl who made me a mother.  

I feel sometimes like it is all too much to bear.  How can I be so selfish to desire an escape?  My heart is burning with that question right now.  I feel trapped in an endless cycle - pain, exhaustion, and constantly being drained to empty - and then yelling and exploding, often at the people who I love more than anything in this world.  The endless yelling turns to endless guilt for my seeming inability to control my tone and volume - let alone my self.

At night the record plays on a loop: "what a horrible mother you've become...what a failure as a wife...will you ever get it right?...how dare you desire time for yourself...you are just like your mother...it is too late for you..."

Here at the end of my patience...I cry out for God to give me strength in my weakness - to somehow recharge me supernaturally.  Sleep hides from me, solace flees at my sight, but please, oh Lord, don't also run and hide.

I know some of you might think I am being too hard on myself.  Maybe to a degree I am.  Maybe I shouldn't expect so much of myself during this stressful time in our lives.  I mean, I have 3 days to pack for a 4 month trip to Alaska - and even though my husband will be home, he will be completely unavailable due to his test being on Monday...and my daughter is still sick.  But I do...I expect to be a better mom, a better wife...a better Christian.  But I am not.  I am a broken woman.  Desperate, tired and overwhelmed.  

And though I seem to have fallen into a pit, there is one thing that still remains.  A little mustard seed of faith that keeps me holding on, gripping desperately for the Lord, to be my "ever-present help in my time of trouble." (Psalm 46:1)

       

Sojourn in the Valley

I originally shared this post over at my friend Kim's blog, but feel like it makes sense to post it here now, so you all know where I'm at/where I've been.

Over the last year or so of my life I've been focused on coming out of a huge denial about painful things I'd experienced early in my life.  As a result of my inward focus, I have been able to finally start working through the pain, accepting it, grieving, processing and taking small steps forward from it.  I have also learned that perhaps a season of deep introspection can be necessary and vital but it is important not to remain stuck in this place for too long.

At some point in dealing with grief you reach a place where you realize that God is not going to take away your pain...at least not in the way our hearts desire.  I recently heard this great quote by a Christian Psychologist, "We want God to take away our fear, remove our pain and provide a reasonably pleasant life.  But God wants to meet us in our pain, and comfort us with himself."  As soon as I heard these words it was as if God himself was speaking them to me.

I had been praying and hoping that I would somehow reach the end of my pain.  And as a result I've been sort of limping my way through life, putting most things on hold in order to wait for the pain to go away.  And in this waiting my focus has been mostly on the pain, mostly on my feelings, mostly on my memories, and when you are this focused on the struggle, the solution is almost completely hidden from your view.

On the way home from Thanksgiving I started to realize that God was working on my heart, a lot.  He was nudging me away from focusing on all the pain and trouble and remembering to keep my eyes on the one who could provide the comfort, peace and healing that I need, Him.  My husband and I had plenty of time to talk about this on our nine hour drive home from Ohio.  He wholeheartedly agreed that it was getting to be the time that I should start focusing on the solution and less on the problem.

In many ways my faith walk recently has been stifled, as I've faced doubt and uncertainty as my protective shield of denial has cracked and fallen.  I've had anger pouring out of my soul that burns white hot, often sending me into a state of rage then panic when triggered.  I've been scared of who I am, and what I am doing in my life.  And I've been afraid to take these very raw and painful emotions to God.  I've been scared to admit that I'm angry with God for not intervening to prevent the abuse I suffered as a child.  Even though I know that God will not take away free will...even though I know that God orchestrated freedom from those who hurt me later in life.  Even though He has been with me and never left my side through it all...and yet it still hurts to know that some one's choice to sin against me could leave me so deeply wounded.

That person's choice has had an impact on every aspect of my adult life, from the way I relate to my husband and others, to the way I parent my child.

And now my focus has to shift because there is one who is so much greater than the one who wounded me, and I made the choice to believe and put my faith in Him.  And now, that choice is the one that will  make a much greater impact on my life going forward.  I am choosing to now look to my God, my savior and trust in Him to meet me in the midst of my pain.  No longer am I praying for Him to take it all away, no, I am praying that He would use my pain for His purpose, that He would help me find joy and peace in the midst of the sorrow.  That He would teach me to be a Godly woman, deep in compassion and overflowing with grace, mercy and forgiveness.

As I approached the Christmas holiday, I focused on the gift that I've already received in Jesus.  And that means my eyes are now on the solution.  My eyes will magnify the great and glorious God that has loved me from the beginning, accepts me in all my brokenness and promises to never leave my side.

I've missed you all terribly, but what can I say - I've been sojourning in the valley for a while and just starting to begin my climb up from below.  I'm back and will be bringing you up to date soon with lots of really fantastic things coming this way this year in our lives.

This week there will be a lot of catch up work on this blog - things might be a little hectic in terms of layout/design/etc. plus I have a few reviews I need to post, stick around anyway and watch me as BaxtronLife evolves!

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On My Heart... The Unimaginable

Lately I've been feeling especially sensitive to stories in the news of moms losing their children in unfathomable tragedy.

First, there was the mom who came home to her Central Park West apartment to find her trusted nanny had snapped, murdering two of her three young children and then trying to kill herself.

And then there was Hurricane Sandy and the story of a mom fleeing for her life with her two young boys, when the water overcame their vehicle and they were forced to leave it, the boys were ripped from her arms by the raging surge.

Both of these stories left me feeling such empathy for these mothers - I honestly don't know which scenario would be worse - either way - I just can't imagine the pain and the loss they are experiencing at this time.

One of the things that I didn't expect as I become a mother, or at least not to the degree of it, is this fierce protective nature that instinctually takes over.  Before I'd ever left the hospital with Zion, I had to watch the video...you know...the "don't shake your baby" video.  It literally had both me and the hubs crying - we just couldn't fathom how anyone could hurt their child in this way.

And then as I recovered those first few weeks - I would remember a rogue thought popping into my mind of "what if something happened to my daughter" and it would literally tighten every muscle north of my shoulder blades.  I was hypervigilant in those early weeks.  To a certain degree I still am.

Sometimes, the fear of something happening to my daughter - just the thought of it, can send me into an emotional spiral.  I think also about if someone were to hurt my daughter, what that would do to me - how I'd react, and how I'd ultimately respond.

As moms - we are nurturers: we kiss the boo-boos, take care of needs, tend volatile little emotions - and at the same time we are guardians: there to protect, to be their voice, and to fight for their survival if provoked.  With the same mouth we can magically heal a bump or bruise and in the next moment cuttingly warn someone to back off if they get too close to our child.

Many of my deepest thoughts lately have been in reflection of the parent-child relationship.  I've been thinking about God as the Father.  I've been trying to empathize with what it must have been like for Him to send Jesus to the Cross.  I mean, I'm going to be totally honest, when I look around at the world today, and then I look at my little girl, if I had to give her up for the wickedness of the world to be forgiven - placing all of the world's mistakes upon her, sending her to a brutal, torturous death on a cross---could I do that?  No.  Most certainly I could not.

Only God could do such a thing.  I do not believe even for a minute that a loving parent could sacrifice their child AND survive the pain.

And that is just it.  God loves all of his creation as his children - He's invited us all to be adopted into his family - but it cost him greatly - it cost him his one and only son.  Now of course, Jesus was raised to life and sits with the Father now, but it doesn't negate that God loves each of us so much he was willing to make a trade so that he could experience the same relationship with us.  So that we could know him, and experience Him.

That kind of Father is foreign to me.  A Father that would stop at nothing to bring all of his children into the fold, to save all of his children from eternal damnation.  The most stunning thought I have is that God could have shown up at any time now to judge the Earth, but he hasn't.  His desire that all should be saved is so strong, his love and compassion and mercy so overflowing, that he allows us to continue in our wretched state.

No one has more faith in humanity, than the creator of humanity himself.  And that is something worth thinking about.

Music Therapy Florence + The Machine | Shake it Out

One thing that has been a constant in my life is the soundtrack.  For most of my journey so far I've gravitated to music that allows me to release and process my emotions through the words and music others have written.  I'll be sharing songs that I have really connected with throughout my struggles and even my joys in life - I will be calling this "Music Therapy."

The first song I'm sharing is one I listen to often.  First, I'm a huge fan of Florence + The Machine, and second her lyrics in this particular song really resonate with me.

Though she is talking about a former relationship with a lover - I find myself reflecting on my relationship with denial and how that one particular relationship was like a devil on my back, choking the very life out of me that I was trying to protect.  The romance of denial was that it made me feel protected, but in the end I was disillusioned by it and it left me undone.  And so now I'm shaking that denial out of my life and on a quest for living in truth.

In the end of the song, she speaks about being ready to suffer and ready to hope - it seems that denial for me prevented both my ability accept the pain and trauma of my past, while at the same time numbing my joy and happiness in the present.  I really love this conclusion to the song.  And in the end, the reality that she was looking for heaven and as she got closer on that search the light revealed to her the truth of the broken nature of both herself and the lover - or for me - my own deep brokenness and the evil nature of denial.  

What songs have resonated with your life story?

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How Real is Too Real for Blogging?

One of my favorite lovelies that I met through blogging started a new link up recently and I decided today was the day to take the plunge and join her.

Change can be a scary thing - even when it is desperately needed.  It takes a lot of energy to make positive lasting changes.  It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are unsatisfied with where you've ended up in life.  And don't forget the humility that is needed when you have to face the music that your own choices have led you to where you are (most of the time).

After just over a year of blogging, I have been stretched in ways I never imagined I would be.  In typical progressive fashion I've moved from being a newbie "Hello World, it's me Courtney" blogger to a overzealous socialite - "linky party every day please!" - to a "please follow me (you could win this special prize)" blogger, and then finally to the awkward - holy cow batman I'm in burnout mode and my family is ready to give me a blogging ultimatum, just to eventually end up here in this place.

What is this place?  The place where I am ready to change it up in a dramatic, terrifying and bold way!  The change I'm ready to make in my life is being really real - I mean not the kind of real that says "hey I was fake before" but the kind that says you know, "I have a purpose in this community for something and I'm going to walk into that purpose regardless of the followers I'll have six months from now" - because it is authentically my voice, and I've found it.

I have a story to tell and I'm going to start telling it.  Originally I thought it would be too difficult - too dark for me to share my story on this blog - because I long desperately to share nothing but happiness - like a Hollywood ending I want to re-write my story so that it is all sunshine and roses.  But this isn't Hollywood,  this is the place I have been given to share my testimony boldly - because someone out there needs to hear my story.  Because someone out there shares my story - and they need to know they are not alone.

I was recently inspired by the tweets happening about the Influence conference.  The thing that was really amazing is that, as much as I longed to have been there, I felt God's stirring in my heart the whole time the conference was going on, pushing me to start using my voice for Him.  I heard Him urging me to be courageous and not afraid of sharing my journey with you.  And honestly, I can't think of anything more freeing than just opening up and beginning to tell you, without being so vague, what I've been through - and how God has been my strength despite very challenging circumstances.

Some of what I am going to share going forward is going to be extremely difficult for me to open up about, not just because of how it has effected my life, but because I have protected the people who have hurt me by a very detrimental form of denial - a denial that has been broken down completely over the last couple of years, in a process that has shaken me to my very core.  I will always always speak with humility, love and compassion for those who have hurt me - but I will not deny the truth of the pain they have caused.  Nor will I deny the truth of the pain I have caused others in my own brokenness.

Don't think for one minute that my blog will all of the sudden be a dark and dreary place, because that wouldn't be accurate of my life either.  It will just be a more vulnerable place - one that shares the good as well as the bad - but hopefully never leaves you discouraged.  It will be a safe place to talk about pain and engage in meaningful community in regards to some of the darkness that plagues our world today, but it will still be a place of celebration of the things I love as well.

What is the change I want to see?  What is the life I want to live?  Who is the person I want to be?

I want to live immersed in the freedom and love of a flourishing relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and no longer frozen in the pain of my past.  I want my life to be abounding in supernatural grace and love - to be a person who has joy in the midst of sorrow, who can stand firm on the rock and not be beaten and battered by the storms of life.  I want more of Him and less of me.

I want to laugh and smile and dance again - releasing the weight of my worries and heartaches to the one who has already come to set me free.  I want to encourage others who have experienced painful childhood wounds by walking through the healing process openly.

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A Heart Gone Wandering...

This past month has been challenging - and whereas the past several months have been no piece of cake, each new month seems to stack up the challenges upon each other leaving me stretched thin and weary.

I have been open about my faith as a Christian here on my blog, but I haven't been open about the challenges of keeping that faith.  In the past year of my life, everything that I have so passionately believed in has been questioned and put under the greatest battle of soul and spirit that I can describe.

My relationship with God has been at times marred by anger and resentment, at other times pushed so far away that only a God who is omnipresent and fiercely willing could break through the icy walls I've  built up.  In my spirit - I believe with everything - in the God of all creation - in his perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for the redemption of all humanity.  But in my soul I experience violent opposition to trusting Him with my life.

I'm about to get very real with you - so brace yourself - I recently had a major life breakthrough - one that was critical - one that was orchestrated beautifully by the hand of God.  I woke up from a denial about things I experienced as a child at the hands of the two human beings entrusted with my care.

For over 20 years of my life I coped with life by creating a fantasy in my mind - a disillusioned perspective on the world - one that minimized pain, fear, anxiety and reality.  One that minimized real evil in the world.  You see, real evil didn't exist in my reality - it couldn't.  And so it was easy to see God in his perfect goodness and not question or doubt Him.

Its not that I didn't believe in evil - but I believed in it the same way as I believe in monsters in scary movies.  It freaks me out, I push it to the side believing it couldn't possibly be like that in real life.

But, now I know that real evil exists.  Because I was the recipient of real evil.  And that evil has had its mangy filthy claws in my flesh for the past two and a half decades.  And it is that evil that I am battling daily - that I am fighting for dear life to escape from.

My daily battle is one of learning to live in reality - no longer minimizing the hurtful things I have experienced, no longer protecting the people who were supposed to have loved me.  Instead I am allowing the unprocessed pain to wash over me, tidal wave by tidal wave.

Hoping that as I surrender to reality, I will find the continued strength to choose to believe rather than doubt in God's love for me.

Hoping I can believe in the goodness of God as much as I now believe in real evil in this world.

Hoping that one day this storm will pass and I will again be able to see the sun shining above me.

Hoping that one day there will be no more buried pain - just the freedom of being healed by God's great love, so that I can encourage those who have been or will be just waking up from their own fantasy.

This blog has always been a place for me to share my life - and to write from my heart - I haven't been able to do that lately as much as I'd like to, but hopefully you will understand how heavy my heart has been, and know I am still here and still care for each and every one of you!

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