{Today}I Live

When I was a little girl, I was often full of anxiety due to the constant turmoil of a home plagued with alcoholism, domestic violence and neglect.  Both of my parents were extremely young, self absorbed and ill-equipped to raise the three little girls they had been entrusted to them.  One of my earliest memories in childhood marked a turning point in my life and has shaped me in ways that I could never fully describe.

Miracle by Adam Jackson

One particular evening, I was struggling with thoughts of death and the question of being alone forever after death…I remember being very afraid.  Perhaps I felt some degree of impending doom, and it followed me into my dreams that evening.  I dreamt that I was crying out in the darkness, separated from all that I knew and loved, when this giant hand reached down to me.  I knew immediately in my heart that this was God, coming to my rescue, comforting me.  I hugged the hand as tight as I could and was drawn up out of the darkness.  Then I woke up.


I was not raised in a Christian home, nor was I involved in church, or even talk of God.  From the moment I awoke, a deeply rooted faith in God had taken hold in my heart.  I believed, without a single doubt, that God was (and is) real, cares deeply for me and will not leave me alone in darkness.  I woke up with a new hope and foundation for living my life.  I have carried that faith and dream with me since that moment.

The Room by Jesse Therrien

I wish that I could say that from that defining moment life got better for me or easier, but it didn't.  Life was never promised to be easy or struggle free.  I grew up battling severe depression throughout most of my childhood, building to an inescapable climax during my teenage years.  When I was 16 years old I felt especially crippled under the weight of my emotions, and the deep wounds I'd collected as a child.  I was melancholic, sad, angry but despite my emotions I lashed out in unpredicted ways.  I strove for perfection in everything I did, and tormented myself endlessly whenever I fell short.

I reached a point of darkness where I believed it would have been better if I had never been born.  I frequently struggled with images in my mind of my life ending.  I didn't want death, I wanted release…I just wanted a mind free of pain and anguish.  One evening, while my family went about their normal activities I collected all the medicine from my mother's medicine cabinet.  Trembling, I swallowed the pills.  I wept quietly as I felt my pain washing me over like tidal waves, and mourned the life that I hoped would soon leave me.  

After swallowing the pills, I laid in my bed and prayed to God to forgive me, and I cried out for Him to save me.  As quickly as I had given my life away I wanted it back.  I begged and pleaded with Him to not take my life, but to give me a second chance.  I poured out my heart before Him and the weight of the load I was carrying was laid before His feet.  I cried until I drifted to sleep, unsure if I'd taken my last breaths.  Miraculously I awoke.  Never had I been so grateful to have air in my lungs.

Cloud Break by Cheryl Empey

I survived to make a promise to God that I would never devalue my life again.  Instead of drowning in the despair I felt, I would resolve to rise above all that I had been through.  I made a choice that I would never give up, and I would fight every obstacle that stood in my way to being wholly healed from the pain of my childhood.  I wouldn't end up another statistic of a broken home.  I would be the curse breaker and I would go on to live a "normal" existence.  Mostly, I just wanted to do more than survive.

I live today as a different person.  While I can't say that I am completely healed of the pain of my past, each day is a little bit better than the last.  Each day that God gives me the power to breath, is a day where I am actively pursuing wholeness in my life.  I have been blessed with a beautiful life.  I have a remarkable man by my side to hold me when I need to be reassured that life is indeed good, a spirited daughter to fill my heart with songs of joy and laughter and a God who, as promised, has never left me alone in my darkness.

{Overcomers}

Rowhouse 14

Dear Family

In These Shoes

Absolute Mommy

Paisley Boulevard

Anywhere Is

Imprintalish

From City Corporate to Suburb Mama

Our Reflection

The Jack Chronicles

{With Thanks}

I wanted to take a minute to just say a big heartfelt 

"Thank You" 

to you for reading my blog, 

supporting me, 

encouraging me by commenting,

 and for reaching out to me just to say hello 

or share a thought!  

May has been such a difficult month for me, 

but in the midst of it all, 

I've discovered how even friends I have yet to meet in real life 

{YOU}

 are genuinely caring, 

warm-hearted and 

generously loving!

Thank you so much for your sweet comments this month, 

most of which I regret I have not had the time to respond to. 

 I read every single one of them, and they mean so much.  

I am so grateful for your friendship and support.  

If there is anything I can do for you, 

to help you, 

encourage you, 

even to pray for you, 

please let me know!

P.S.

Top Baby Blogs reset their votes today, 

and we need your help!  

Would you please give us a vote and help us stay ranked in the Top 25!

Just click this link and then Mr. Owl on the LEFT!! 

That's it.  

XO

{Broken}

It's been a hard month.

I don't even know if I'm sure how to begin this conversation,

but I have to open up my heart.

I need to release the tidal wave of emotion that is threatening to drown me.

I'm not very good at sharing this part of me.

I'm not good at dealing with pain.

I'm broken.

I'm so very broken.

Some of it is my fault…

I take full responsibility for the choices I've made 

that have brought with it the consequence of pain.  

But this is not the brokenness I'm speaking of today.

I'm talking about the brokenness that is a result of someone else's choice.

A choice to rob me of my innocence as a child.

A choice to violate the depths of my soul.

It is a wound that continually bleeds.

It is a pain that knows no limit.

As I sit here today, writing this, 

I am discouraged in my soul.

For as long as I can remember I've tried to control the pain,

to stop the bleeding,

but I have finally realized I cannot do it.

I've self-medicated, and I've run.

I've buried it and I've hid.

I've screamed, I've cried and I've rebelled.

Most of the time I smile through it, refusing to expose it.

And now, I've reached the end of my own efforts.

I am perplexed.

The one thing I haven't tried is to 

just be still 

and allow myself to actually 

feel the pain.

Allow myself to actually feel

 the emotions that are trapped

 in my mind and body's memories 

of what I've endured.

But today I'm doing that.

Today I'm just feeling what I feel.

Today I'm being authentic about how deep the wound is.

Today I'm trusting God that this is the way to freedom.

I may be broken,

but my faith is intact.

I may be broken,

but I am being restored.

I may be broken,

but God will not leave me here.

{Featured Lovely+Giveaway}Meet Michelle of Heartfelt Balance, Handmade Life

I was born and raised in Florida.  

I lived in Tallahassee, 

where I attended Florida State 

to earn my degree in 

fashion.  

I met my hubby on a cruise. 

Six years later, I moved to Ohio.  

I've been in Ohio for 12 years now and

my hubby and I will be celebrating our 

10 year anniversary 

this year.

I have a wonderful husband 

who is a carpenter.  

And 
I have two kids--

an 8 year old boy and 

a 5 year old girl.  

Logan, my 8 year old 

is into anything LEGO 

and has recently found out that he 

loves swimming.  

Jaycee is my funky little diva.  

She is one of the most active people I've ever met.  

It is sometimes a challenge keeping her busy!

Heartfelt Balance, Handmade Life is 

a Mish-Mash of mommy stuff.  

I float back and forth between different topics.  

Sometimes I focus on cooking and recipes.  

Sometimes I focus on crafts.  

Sometimes I might write heartfelt mommy thoughts 

or show you a little bit of the local fun. 

I've recently started doing a "Daily Fashion Post", 

where I create an outfit of the day.  

Since I earned my degree in fashion, 

I miss the clothes!  

It's a way for me to feel like I'm still involved.

I've recently started selling mark. cosmetics.  

It's another way I can stay in touch with the beauty/fashion world.  

It's been a lot of fun so far.  

I can't wait to see where it takes me!

***
Courtney here:
I "met" Michelle via the MayDay Follow Fest!
I really like her daily outfit posts 
and was happy to hear that she started a mark. business.  
They have such trendy and affordable cosmetics!  
Michelle recently mentioned that she is growing out her gray…
and I have to say…I'm super impressed by her choice!  
I hope that when my hair starts turning that I will look as stunning as she does!  
Doesn't she look amazing!?


You can connect more with Michelle here: Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest.


Don't leave yet!  
Michelle is generously giving away some mark. goodies 
to one lovely Baxtron{Life} reader!


Enter via the Rafflecopter below!

a Rafflecopter giveaway