This past month has been challenging - and whereas the past several months have been no piece of cake, each new month seems to stack up the challenges upon each other leaving me stretched thin and weary.
I have been open about my faith as a Christian here on my blog, but I haven't been open about the challenges of keeping that faith. In the past year of my life, everything that I have so passionately believed in has been questioned and put under the greatest battle of soul and spirit that I can describe.
My relationship with God has been at times marred by anger and resentment, at other times pushed so far away that only a God who is omnipresent and fiercely willing could break through the icy walls I've built up. In my spirit - I believe with everything - in the God of all creation - in his perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ, for the redemption of all humanity. But in my soul I experience violent opposition to trusting Him with my life.
I'm about to get very real with you - so brace yourself - I recently had a major life breakthrough - one that was critical - one that was orchestrated beautifully by the hand of God. I woke up from a denial about things I experienced as a child at the hands of the two human beings entrusted with my care.
For over 20 years of my life I coped with life by creating a fantasy in my mind - a disillusioned perspective on the world - one that minimized pain, fear, anxiety and reality. One that minimized real evil in the world. You see, real evil didn't exist in my reality - it couldn't. And so it was easy to see God in his perfect goodness and not question or doubt Him.
Its not that I didn't believe in evil - but I believed in it the same way as I believe in monsters in scary movies. It freaks me out, I push it to the side believing it couldn't possibly be like that in real life.
But, now I know that real evil exists. Because I was the recipient of real evil. And that evil has had its mangy filthy claws in my flesh for the past two and a half decades. And it is that evil that I am battling daily - that I am fighting for dear life to escape from.
My daily battle is one of learning to live in reality - no longer minimizing the hurtful things I have experienced, no longer protecting the people who were supposed to have loved me. Instead I am allowing the unprocessed pain to wash over me, tidal wave by tidal wave.
Hoping that as I surrender to reality, I will find the continued strength to choose to believe rather than doubt in God's love for me.
Hoping I can believe in the goodness of God as much as I now believe in real evil in this world.
Hoping that one day this storm will pass and I will again be able to see the sun shining above me.
Hoping that one day there will be no more buried pain - just the freedom of being healed by God's great love, so that I can encourage those who have been or will be just waking up from their own fantasy.
This blog has always been a place for me to share my life - and to write from my heart - I haven't been able to do that lately as much as I'd like to, but hopefully you will understand how heavy my heart has been, and know I am still here and still care for each and every one of you!
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