A Girl Needs Her Daddy

This little girl!  Not only has she completely stolen my heart from the day she made her debut, she pretty much captures the attention of admirers wherever she goes.  Here we are, already about to enter Spring time, and barreling our way toward her 3rd birthday.  While editing these pictures, I couldn't help but reflect on her life so far with us, the fun times we've had getting to know her personality and watch her grow, and even some of the rougher times.  I'm not going to sugar coat it, the last several months were brutally hard on her and I both.

Not only was I struggling with my personal issues and battles, but her Daddy was away, both things causing anxiety and stress in a very sensitive little girl.  I can't tell you how many times I heard the words, "I want Daddy" sometimes through very emotional tears, other times in defiance of my commands.  I felt what it feels like to have my sweet little child - very unintentionally but still painfully - reject me, for being the less than fun mess I was.  And sometimes, if I'm being honest, I deserved it.  I really struggled for a while being on my own as a parent.  I honestly have no clue how single moms, let alone single working mothers, cope with day to day life.  My hat is off to every single one of them.

I couldn't do it.  At least not successfully.  Both Zion and I longed for the return of our secure family unit, she longed for her daddy, and I longed for my husband.  Now that we have been reunited, and time is abundantly ours, we are experiencing an overwhelming joy of a family that is working together to be awesome.  I knew in my heart that our trip to Alaska was going to be the beginning of a new chapter.  We had been walking through the desert valley way too long, it was time for an oasis.  And God is so faithful to provide that refreshment through His favor and blessing, just when we think we can't make it through another day!

 In just over a week and a half, I have seen my daughter return to being a joyful, exuberant little drama queen, with her silly antics and non-stop giggles.  Our home-away-from-home is flourishing with love and harmony.  I don't mean to make it seem like a fantasy or anything, behind the scenes several important self-discoveries have been made, many late night discussions and lots of tears shed.  But though I won't share all of those details in this post, the result of these necessary struggles is two parents who have joined together to work on being better individuals and as a result of a better marriage, we are being better parents, and therefore our little lady feels secure and stable enough to thrive.

When I see these two together, it seriously explodes my heart with thanksgiving.  There are so many things I am grateful for in my husband, Zion's father, Jerry.   They have such a special relationship.  I don't even have to mention the physical resemblance.  They have a blast together, and he is always willing to participate in the silliest of Zion's imaginative play adventures.  This moment in the pool together was magical.  It was the first time he had ever seen her in the pool, something I was spoiled with during her swim lessons in the Fall.  I couldn't wait for him to see how she just wore a permanent ear-to-ear grin whenever she set foot in the pool, or how she would dip half her face in the water and then beam with pride because she was brave enough to do it.

 As I watch them play together and enjoy making up for lost time, I find myself fighting back mixed tears.  Tears of joy - I'm truly the happiest when I am with the two of them, and tears of sadness - realizing that longing in the wounded part of my heart to have had a daddy that was as amazing as Jerry is.  Though I am sure that little sting will always be a part of my reality, it won't be a part of hers, and that quickly dries up any sorrowful tears.  God has redeemed that part of my life - by providing an amazing father to my daughter.  I couldn't wish any better for her.  God has also been faithful to me by being a very present Father in my life - and for providing me with an adoptive father, whom I am incredibly blessed to have as well.

Thank you, Lord, for this amazing man you brought into my life, to be my husband.  And for the daughter you have blessed us with.  Thank you so much, Jerry, for being an amazing daddy to our daughter - the best a little girl could have.  And for being my best friend and husband - you hold infinite stock in my heart, and I am a blessed woman to have you!

       

Alaska Tour 2013, Week 1

 

If you follow me on any of my social media, you've probably heard we arrived safely in Anchorage, Alaska last week for our extended stay, but if not, let me catch you up to speed and share some of our hopes for while we are here.

In my last post, I shared how overwhelmed I had been feeling in life in general, and with the impending temporary move.  I am happy to say that this trip so far has been exactly what I needed.  A week ago, my husband finished his CPA exam, and God willing passed, meaning the endless hours of studying (and being unavailable to us) have finally ceased.  The very next day, the three of us and our jam-packed luggage, made our way from New York City to Anchorage.  All in all, we traveled for close to 11 hours from door to door.

Despite the 4 hour time change and exhausting travel, I found myself eager to get out and explore the next day.  We are staying in an extended stay hotel in Midtown Anchorage, and the accommodations are excellent!!  We have a two bedroom, two bathroom suite with a full kitchen.  It reminds me of the luxury apartments I always wanted to live in when I was in my 20's in the Seattle area.  These suites are even better, though, they come with free daily housekeeping, an indoor heated pool and jacuzzi, fitness center, and complimentary breakfast every day of the week.  They even have a complimentary light dinner four days of the week!!  

Just when this overworked mama was at the end of what she could handle, relief from so many daily tasks has come.  I am getting rest, much needed!!  And even better than rest, I get to spend time with my husband again, and Zion gets to have her Daddy to play with.  

Once we were unpacked and settled in our new home, I started putting together a list of things to do while we are here.  We will probably need to add more to this list, but it is a decent start.

You will notice one item is already crossed off the list!  The first weekend we were here, we had the amazing experience of attending the Iditarod Race ceremonial start in downtown Anchorage!  

 One of the coolest parts of our trip downtown was the corporate suite we had access to, since Jerry's client here in Anchorage sponsors the Iditarod race.  We were able to step in, warm up and enjoy complimentary snacks.  

My favorite part of the Iditarod race was hearing the dogs howling while clearly Zion's favorite part was meeting the Fur Rendezvous Royalty.

View my Video of Iditarod Dog Howling

 

Some of the more interesting finds so far in Anchorage were the crazy fur mullet hats for sale during the Iditarod, selling for $450/each and the crazy donuts at Fred Meyer - which I didn't try because I am a Maple Bar only type of girl...and they didn't have a single one.  

After brunch on Sunday I took this shot of the mountain range surrounding the city of Anchorage.  I can't even begin to tell you how stunning and beautiful the mountains are.  This picture makes them look so tiny - but they are huge and close!! I hope to be able to get some good mountain pictures in the next few weeks using my new Nikon DSLR!

What adventures have you been up to this week?

       

Overwhelmed

It has been a while since I just wrote from my heart on this blog.  Perhaps too long, but I've got a million good reasons why.  Right now, I'm feeling upset and overwhelmed - and so I'm here to unload a bit, but - you should know - this is more for me than it is for you.

Life in general can be such a daily challenge.  I mean, seriously, you would think - given the fact that I am doing what I always wanted/dreamed of doing - that I would be able to find daily joy and contentment.  That somehow exuberant energy would rise from within me and push me through my days tasks.

But it doesn't work like that.  And its outright disappointing.  I have so much to be grateful for - I really do.  I have a loving husband - who is hard working - dedicated - and wants to spend time with me.  I have a beautiful daughter who is practically attached to my hip everywhere I go.  And then I have a God who loves me unconditionally - in all my brokenness.  And I am grateful.

Yet, I find myself thoroughly exhausted...overwhelmed...beat up in this life.  I find myself wanting to constantly escape into a mind-numbing social media black hole or a few minutes-turned hours of fidgeting with my iPhone.  If I'm being completely honest - I find myself wanting and desiring to be completely selfish with my time and energy.

Circumstances do play into this - but it isn't the heart of the matter.  Sure, my husband has been away on business plus studying for his CPA for what seems like an eternity.  Yes, my daughter has been miserably sick and waking me up all hours of the night.  Of course I'm still battling the long-term effects of post-traumatic shock - and dealing with all kinds of disturbing phenomena from that.  Even so, the truth is, my heart is full of rebellion.

My heart rebels against surrendering to the rest God has invited me into - I still try to do everything on my own terms - my own way.  My heart rebels against the safety and authority of my husband - still afraid to trust any man with my livelihood.  My heart even rebels against the constant demands of the little girl who made me a mother.  

I feel sometimes like it is all too much to bear.  How can I be so selfish to desire an escape?  My heart is burning with that question right now.  I feel trapped in an endless cycle - pain, exhaustion, and constantly being drained to empty - and then yelling and exploding, often at the people who I love more than anything in this world.  The endless yelling turns to endless guilt for my seeming inability to control my tone and volume - let alone my self.

At night the record plays on a loop: "what a horrible mother you've become...what a failure as a wife...will you ever get it right?...how dare you desire time for yourself...you are just like your mother...it is too late for you..."

Here at the end of my patience...I cry out for God to give me strength in my weakness - to somehow recharge me supernaturally.  Sleep hides from me, solace flees at my sight, but please, oh Lord, don't also run and hide.

I know some of you might think I am being too hard on myself.  Maybe to a degree I am.  Maybe I shouldn't expect so much of myself during this stressful time in our lives.  I mean, I have 3 days to pack for a 4 month trip to Alaska - and even though my husband will be home, he will be completely unavailable due to his test being on Monday...and my daughter is still sick.  But I do...I expect to be a better mom, a better wife...a better Christian.  But I am not.  I am a broken woman.  Desperate, tired and overwhelmed.  

And though I seem to have fallen into a pit, there is one thing that still remains.  A little mustard seed of faith that keeps me holding on, gripping desperately for the Lord, to be my "ever-present help in my time of trouble." (Psalm 46:1)